


Wasted Years

by orphan_account



Category: Iron Maiden (Band), Rock Music RPF
Genre: Fanfiction, M/M, Male Slash, Rock Stars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 07:21:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14732459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After a six year absence from Iron Maiden, Bruce Dickinson and Janick Gers try to sort out where their relationship stands





	Wasted Years

Please remember the 'fiction' in fanfiction.

 

 

Chapter One

 

Bruce's POV:

I was going to get to the bottom of this. I'd been back in Maiden for weeks now and the only conversations I'd had with Jan had been about the music I was catching up on. I asked him to join me for a beer several times but it was always one excuse or another. He'd love to but he was driving up to spend the weekend with his parents. His car was in for repairs and he had to pick it up before the shop closed. It was always something. And I let it go, but I'm not a patient man. I hadn't been patient twenty years ago when I first met Janick. I wanted him, I knew I had to have him, and I wasted no time. It took a little persuasion on my part, Jan had never had a man interested in him before, but it was worth the effort. Well worth it.

Things were intense from the first but it was nothing compared to the Tattooed Millionaire tour. Jan had been ready to give up music before I recruited him to work with me. I remember sitting with him at his old digs in Hounslow knocking back beers. We hadn't seen each other often, he had been in school getting his degree, and all I had been thinking of was having those long slender legs wrapped around me when he dropped that bombshell on me. I was stunned, almost angry that he was willing to let his talent go to waste, and I offered to buy his gear so he could continue to use it. He was appreciative but uncertain and I soon distracted him. Happy-go-lucky, bouncy, fun loving Jan was a voracious tiger between the sheets and it wasn't long before he forgot all about anything except what was taking place between us at that moment.  
It wasn't long after that the tour was planned and we were on the road together. And God, what a fantastic time it was! Electrifying gigs and nights of mind-blowing sex. If I didn't know how much I loved Jan before that, I knew then, beyond any doubt. He was the love of my life.

And now the love of my life was ignoring me and avoiding me. It wasn't like we hadn't seen each other during the six years I'd been away. At first we carried on the way we always had, and I do mean carried on. Sneaking away from our respective homes to steal a few precious hours together, getting lost in one another. But there was an undercurrent, a sense of something different on Jan's part, and I ignored it. I was cursing myself for that now. For that and for allowing us to drift further and further apart. He was so busy with Maiden and I was constantly tackling one project after another. I think we had only seen one another three or four times during the year before I returned to the band, and then only to have a few drinks together. I couldn't clearly remember how long it had been since we'd made love and I missed it. God, how I missed it, and I missed him. The long in-depth talks, the drunken giggles, hanging out together, everything, not just the sex.

And then there was Davey. At first I didn't pay much attention to it but over the past few weeks it's become increasingly obvious how much closer he and Jan had become during my absence. They had always gotten on well of course, they were very much alike in so many ways, but now it seemed that every time I turned to look for Jan, he was with Davey. We had all been gathering at Steve's studio to work on some songs we were kicking around for the next album and the Three Amigos were working on the music while Steve and I worked on lyrics. That was well and good but after Ade left for the day the other two still sat there, heads together, talking and laughing together. I was distracted and Steve grumbled at me for it, telling me to either focus on what we were working on or else just go home. I didn't go home, I was torturing myself watching the two guitarists in a huddle but my stubborn streak kicked in and I threw myself into the songwriting. And usually when I turned back around, the two blondes had gone. They seemed to always leave together. And, damn it, I was getting fed up with it.

This time Steve was having some renovations done at his place so we were gathering at a rehearsal studio in London to work. The song we had been struggling with was mostly complete and we gave it a few run-through with all six of us present, tweaking it as we went. I studiously avoided watching the guitarists, concentrating on adjusting my voice to the material, but in the back of my mind it was nagging at me. I could hear Jan's soft voice and Davey's laugh as the three of them worked out their parts and after a couple of hours I finally lost it.  
"All right, okay, I need a break here!" I announced. Steve didn't look happy but he didn't say anything. He had mellowed a bit over the years and he needed me. It was unspoken but we all knew it, the only shot of the band regaining their lost popularity was through me. I didn't even wait for any response, I stalked out of the room and into the adjacent lounge for a bottle of water from the vending machine. There was a thick, soundproof glass window looking into the studio from there and as I looked I saw Jan put his arm around Davey's shoulders, drawing him into a hug. Goddamn it, I couldn't deal with this any more. Jan was treating me like some casual acquaintance and he was hugging Davey. I wasn't going to stand for this. I went back out into the hallway just as the three guitarists came out of the studio. Jan was somewhat behind the other two and as they passed me I reached out and grabbed his wrist, pulling him back into the lounge with me before he realized what was happening. My infamous temper was kicking in.

"All right, Janick, this has gone on long enough. Just what the fuck are you doing?"

He looked at me, genuine puzzlement on his face. "What are you talking about, Bruce?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about! You've been giving me the cold shoulder ever since I've been back and I think I deserve an explanation." I practically growled at him. My hand was still around his wrist and I tightened my grip, seeing him wince slightly. "Every damn time I try to talk to you you're either with Davey or you have someplace to go. " He didn't respond, he pulled his hand out of my grip and rubbed his wrist, not meeting my eyes. 

"I'm waiting." I said after a minute.

He turned to me then and I saw anger in those sky blue eyes, something I'd seldom seen before. "I think you're imagining things, Bruce. Yeah, I haven't had time to go for a beer with you but that's the way it is sometimes, there are things to do."

"Really?" I was getting angrier now at what I thought of as weak excuses. "You seem to have plenty of time for Davey!"

Something I couldn't read flashed through his eyes. "Leave Dave out of it, all right?"

"Why should I?" My voice was raising and I made an effort to get it back down. "You think I'm blind, Jan? You know what I think? I think you two are like me and you used to be. I think you're fucking him!"

Jan stood up straighter and folded his arms, his look openly defiant now. "What's between me and Dave is none of your fucking business! What do you care, anyway?"

I grabbed his arm again and he tried to shake me off, not succeeding. "I care because you're mine! You've been mine for the last twenty years, or have you forgotten all of that?"

"I haven't forgotten anything, but I think you have. You walked away from what we had together so don't think that everything is going to go back to the way it was just because you're back! I'm not twenty years old anymore, Bruce. You can't wrap me around your finger the way you used to!"

"I left Maiden, I didn't leave you!" I reminded him, and I could feel my anger subsiding, turning into something else. I intended to sound forceful but it came out sounding almost pleading. His expression didn't weaver, however.

"Of course you left me! Oh sure, you wanted to keep me as your little piece on the side, always there to call on when you're horny, but it doesn't work like that! Life goes on. Things change."

Something in me felt broken. It hadn't occurred to me that I'd lost him. In the back of my mind I was hoping that I had been imagining all of this; his distant manner, his avoiding me, even his closeness with Davey. Now I realized it was all there, right before my eyes. I'd lost my Janick, the only man I had ever really been in love with. I let go of his arm, mine falling to my side, and I turned away. I turned away because I had tears in my eyes and I didn't want him to see them.

"It was never like that, Jan. You have never been just a handy fuck to me. It's always meant so much more." I struggled to keep my voice even. I could feel him behind me but he didn't speak. I lowered my head and made to walk past him, to leave the room.

"Bruce?"

Almost against my will I looked at him. He was standing very close and his eyes were darkened with some emotion I couldn't fathom. "What?" I sounded sulky but I couldn't help it.

"We....we're still friends, right?"

Friends! Fuck no, we weren't 'friends'! I wanted him, all of him. I wanted my lover back, I wanted to hold him and kiss every inch of him. I wanted to feel that silky hair between my fingers as I held his head to my groin, I wanted to smell the outdoorsy herbal scent of him, to taste him as I took him into my mouth, to feel those impossibly long legs wrap around my waist as I sank deep into him. Hell no I didn't want to be 'friends'!

"Sure." I heard myself say. "Sure, we're friends."

He left the lounge then, I knew he was hurrying to catch up with the other two, I knew he was going to sit at a pub somewhere with Davey laughing and talking and drinking the way we used to. And it was like a knife in my heart. I went into the restroom and cried.

 

Chapter Two

Janick's POV:

I had to get away from Bruce fast. He was in one of his moods, I recognized the signs. He is such a complicated man, I knew he was frustrated and upset. I knew him so well. So very well. If I stayed in that room with him for another minute I would break down and give in to him, like I always had before.

Adrian was already driving away when I reached the car park but Davey was waiting for me, his eyes full of concern. He was the only one who knew about Bruce and I, at least he was the only one who knew for certain though I'm sure the others suspected. I confessed everything to Dave over a lot of beers not long after Bruce left Maiden. I told him how it had always been between Bruce and I, how Bruce had professed to love me and always be there when I needed him only to walk away when things were going so well. We were finally in the same band and I was feeling so optimistic, I was convinced we would be together in Maiden for many years to come. Then he left only three years after I joined, he left the band and he left me. To say I was hurt doesn't even begin to describe how abandoned I had felt. I had never been so despondent in my life, not even after Gillan split up and I couldn't get my career back on track.

"What happened?" Dave touched my arm inquiringly. He had seen Bruce pull me aside and I know he was concerned Bruce was reopening old wounds.

I sighed tiredly. "He accused me of being cold toward him and he demanded an explanation. How could he be so fucking dense!"

Dave nodded in empathy. Thank goodness for Dave, he had a heart as big as the ocean. I never told him in as many words but he knew I still loved Bruce and I knew he didn't want to see me hurt again. 

"Bruce is Bruce, Jan. He only sees things from one side. His side. He doesn't mean to be self-centered, it's just the way he is."

I knew that was true. Bruce had to learn to look out for number one since he was very young, no one else had been looking out for him. Dave and I had driven in together and we walked to my car in silence. It wasn't until we were driving that Dave spoke again.

"Do you think he's going to let it go?"

I knew what he meant. Bruce was not a man to let anything go and we both knew it. He wanted me back as his convenient fuck buddy but I wasn't willing to put myself in that position again. The chance of his hurting me again was too real and I didn't think I could go through that again.

"Hell no, but don't worry. I can take care of myself." I didn't want to talk about it anymore, I was trying not to think about it. It had hit me like a bomb when I learned Bruce was rejoining Maiden, so many different emotions ran through me I still hadn't sorted them all out. He had been all but out of my life before this, only calling me up every few months to go out for a drink. I had managed to avoid any real intimacy between us for quite a while now. I knew only too well that if he kissed me, if he as much as touched me, I would crumble. He had that effect on me from the very first time I met him. We were opposites in so many ways but the attraction between us, the bond, was stronger than anything I had ever experienced and being physical only cemented that bond. But that was what he wanted and I knew it. Sex. With Bruce it was always sex first, everything else second. At least that was how it felt.

The band had to get together again the next day, we had a lot of material to work out, and I dreaded it. Much to my surprise, though, Bruce didn't make any reference to our conversation. He was a little more quiet than usual but all business, talking only about the music and making no attempt to get me alone. I was glad. I had spent the entire night tossing and turning, tormented by dreams when I would doze off and memories when I awakened. Memories of all the things Bruce and I had done together, all the things we had said to one another, and dreams of him so lusty and torrid I would wake up so hard I had to wank off. I was reminded sharply of every little thing about him, of the way he used to play with my hair, the way he would kiss his way down my chest and stomach so slowly it was exquisite torment, how hot and wet his mouth was on me and how very good it felt. I had to make a concerted effort to remind myself of the bad things as well, the pain, the aloneness, the nagging suspicions I was merely being used for his own pleasure. How I was going to handle working so close to him day in and day out I did not know.

Davey sensed how hard it was for me, I think. He kept up a steady chatter as we worked in an attempt to distract me, but I knew he caught me looking over at Bruce a few times. Bruce and Steve, once so contentious with one another, were sitting with acoustics and a notebook, seemingly getting along famously. Well, good for them! Why couldn't they have gotten along as well years ago? If they had been able to work together then, Bruce may never have left the band. I didn't even want to think about what might have been, it hurt too much. Now they're laughing together like they're best mates. I must have been staring at them because Davey tapped my arm.

"Hey, lets nip out to the pub after Steve lets us go, all right? You coming, H?"

Adrian looked up from where he was scribbling down notes and shook his head. He and Dave were childhood friends and I think Dave may have told him about Bruce and I because I would see him looking from me to Bruce and back sometimes. I don't think Davey told him everything, but he knew there was some tension between Bruce and I and he was careful not to refer to it. Ade is a good mate. Not as outgoing as Dave, but he's sensitive to such things and I appreciated that. 

Steve was as painstaking as always and it was late before he called it a day. I saw Bruce looking my way out of the corner of my eye and I turned away, tuning in to what Dave and Ade were talking about. I felt Bruce's eyes on me as we left the studio but I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

We bid Ade goodnight and Dave drove us a short distance to a pub we frequented whenever we used this rehearsal space. I was tired from my sleepless night and must have been more distraught than I realized because I was feeling no pain after just four Coronas. Dave was relating some anecdote from one of out previous songwriting sessions but when he fell silent I spoke up abruptly.

"Bruce thinks you and I are fucking." I hadn't told Dave about that part of my confrontation with Bruce but now I was just tipsy enough that my tongue was loosened.

Dave's eyes opened wide. "What?! Are you serious?"

I nodded. "He came right out and accused me of it. And guess what?" I smirked. "I didn't deny it!"

"Oh! Oh, Jan, I'm not sure that was a good idea. You should have set him straight!" Davey shook his head.

"He has his mind made up, he wouldn't have believed me if I did deny it. And it's none of his business who I'm sleeping with. " I took another huge swig of my beer. "That's the important thing here. He has to get it through his head that I don't belong to him!"

"Yeah, but if he thinks you and I are...." Dave had to stop and laugh, it was so ludicrous. "Well, if he thinks that, it could cause hard feelings in the band."

I took another big swallow. "I don't think so. Bruce will keep personal issues apart from the band. And maybe if he thinks I'm over him, that I've moved on, he'll leave me alone."

Dave looked at me shrewdly. "But you aren't over him, Jan."

The truth of that pierced through my increasing haze of alcohol and I didn't reply. In my heart I knew I would never be over him but it would do no good to say that, it would only cause Dave to worry about me. After a while Dave turned the conversation to other things but I was only half listening. By the time we left the pub I was in such a state that Dave had to take me home, it wasn't safe for me to drive.

Bruce's POV:

They left together again, Janick and Dave. I told myself I didn't care but I watched them until they were out the door.  
"Hey!" Steve called out to me "Get yer 'ead out yer arse, Bruce! Pay attention to what I'm tryin t' show ye 'ere!" I mentally shook myself and looked at the change in lyric Steve had made. One word. At this point I felt like he could rewrite the whole fucking song for all I cared. There was a feeling inside me I hadn't felt since I'd been dumped off at boarding school. I was heartbroken and it would do no good for me to lie to myself about it. I knew it was unfair for me to have expected things to just slip back into the way it had been for an and I but fair or not, that's what I wanted. Was he really happier with Dave? He always told me he loved me, he had always been there when I needed him, not only physically but psychologically too. Now I had to deal with the bitter truth that I hadn't been there when he needed me. It was a bitter pill to swallow.

The next day Jan looked decidedly hung over. I had intimate familiarity with him being in that condition and as soon as I saw the tired eyes and lack of bounce in his step I remembered the mornings after our all night binges on the Millionaire tour. We'd drink until we could hardly stand up then once back at the hotel we would make love until we fell asleep from exhaustion. I overheard Dave say something about the pub and I understood they had been out together the previous night. Had they gone back to Jan's and fucked like rabbits the way we used to? A mental image flashed through my mind of how Jan used to look lying beneath me, his face slack with lust, his eyes boring into mine as I took him. The thought that he could be looking at Davey that way, looking at anyone else that way, was too much to bear. I was irascible all morning, snapping at anyone that came near me. I let Steve work on the lyrics and wondered why I was even there. I was starting to wonder why I had even returned to Maiden. Maybe it had all been a bad decision.

We took a break for lunch and, predictably, Jan went to the lounge area with Dave and H. Nicko was there today, they were working on the bass rhythms and needed the drums for that. Rod stopped by so he and Steve were sitting on the sofa going over papers while eating a takeout lunch and I was just sitting glowering into space. I could see through the window that the Three Amigos were joking and laughing over their lunch in the adjoining lounge but I was trying not to keep glancing over there. 

Apparently I wasn't very successful with that. Nicko was sitting quietly, unusual for someone constantly chattering, and when I turned back to the room he spoke up.

"You're as clear as crystal, mate, d'ye know that?"

I blinked. "What?" I had no idea what he was talking about.

He shook his head with an exasperated look. "I can see right through you, Bruce. 'kin 'ell, man, it's eating you alive. Do something about it!"

"What the hell are you going on about, Nick?"

"Christ, how daft d'ye think I am? You can't keep your eyes off Janick. Not that I blame you." He added under his breath, then he went on. "Ever since you've been back you're lookin' at him when he's not lookin' at you, and he's lookin' at you when you're not lookin'. Just fuckin' talk to 'im!" 

I stared at him, dumbfounded. Was I that transparent? 

 

He returned my look evenly, a smile playing about his lips. After a few moments I thought 'fuck it'. Obviously he knew something about Jan and I. Maybe everyone knew?

"I tried talking to him." I threw caution to the wind, acknowledging his words. "It's like talking to a brick wall. He doesn't want anything to do with me." Too late I heard the waver in my voice as I said that, and Nicko's playful smile faded. A serious Nicko was a rare thing but that's what I was facing now.

"How can you be surprised about that, Bruce?" His voice was quiet and solemn. "You broke that man."

"What?!" I was incredulous.

Nicko's earnest expression didn't change. "You didn't know, how could you? But for months after you left it was just a shell of Janick walking around. The only place he really came alive was onstage. The rest of the time he was like a ghost. Smiling, laughing, joking Janick was gone, Bruce. Your leaving broke him."

Guilt flooded through me. Sure, I know he never wanted me to leave. He asked me repeatedly if it was something he'd said or done that drove me away. I explained it to him several times, how stifled I felt with Maiden, how I wanted to prove I could achieve something on my own. I honestly thought he understood. "He never said anything, Nicko. We met up a number of times, especially that first year I was on my own. He never said a word."

Nick made a rude sound "Of course he wouldn't say anything, ye idjit! This is Janick we're talking about! The most selfless man I've ever known."

He was right about that, Jan would never have revealed to me how he felt, he would have cut off his own arm first. I remembered his being especially subdued those few times we got together, I remembered how in the mornings he clung to me a little longer than usual before we parted ways because we never knew when we could get together again. It all clicked together now and I was floored by the remorse. 

"I've been a selfish arse!" I muttered, unaware I was speaking aloud.

Nicko heard, however."Yeah, that's what we all thought." He was nothing if not blunt. I couldn't find it in myself to argue, even though I knew I had done what was right for me at the time. If I hadn't left I would have missed so many valuable experiences and I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

"I'm back now, Nicko." I reminded him.

"Yeah, and we're all damned glad of it. But you're a miserable lovelorn sumbitch."

I started at his use of the word 'love. "Just how much do you know, Nicko?" I wondered aloud.

He had the nerve to laugh. "Oh, a fair bit, I'd say. I heard enough moans from the back of the bus, saw one of you leave the other's hotel room enough mornings to make a good guess at what was going on."

I knew my face was red. "Jesus Christ, did everyone know!?"

He laughed again, longer this time. "If they paid attention, they did! I don't think Steve knew, he always traveled with his family so he wasn't around the rest of us as much. And I think Davey assumed you two were just close friends. He must have slept like a log to not hear the racket you two made on the bus, but if he suspected, he never said anything."

I was mortified, but I knew that Jan had always been loud during sex, as much as I tried to quiet him by kissing him or....other ways. I sat for a few minutes deep in thought and Nicko went back to eating the cold pizza he was having for lunch.

"I love him, you know." I said suddenly, and Nicko looked up. "We weren't just fucking around. I've been crazy about him since the first time I met him."

Nicko just nodded, his mouth full. He didn't seem a bit surprised by my words. "Then you've got to win him back." he said simply after he'd swallowed.

I shook my head. "It's too late. He's got Davey now."

"Bollocks!" Nicko was surprisingly emphatic. "They're not like that. Trust me, I'd know if they were. Davey helped bring Jan 'round, helped him deal with your leaving. I'm not sure how Jan would have pulled himself out of that rut if not for Davey, but that's all there is to it."

I felt an unexpected surge of hope. Could he be right, maybe Jan and Davey weren't lovers? Nicko was very astute, I had just been reminded of that. He could be annoying as hell but underneath it all he was surprisingly observant. I looked up. The Three Amigos were returning to the room. 

"Thanks, Nick" I said quietly. He gave his characteristic shit-eating grin, flashed me a thumbs up, and went back to his drum throne. 

 

Buoyed up by the slim hope I may still have a chance to get my Janick back, I threw myself into my vocals 100% and we finished fairly early. I wasn't going to let Jan get away this time, but I knew I had to tread carefully. I had forgotten how sensitive Jan was. He wore his heart on his sleeve and seemed to feel things so much more powerfully than other people. My coming on strong and being forceful or demanding like I had last time wasn't the right approach. I should have known that then but I had been too blinded by my emotions.

Jan had brought his own Strat in to use that day and he was zipping it back in it's gig bag across the room. Ade and Davey were in the lounge, I could see, so this was my opportunity to speak to him alone.

"Janick, can I talk to you for a minute?" I didn't even have to try to modulate my voice, my words came out gentle all on their own. I'd been watching him and I was overcome by the emotion I felt. He was so beautiful, inside and out. I was eaten up by the knowledge that I'd hurt him so deeply six years before. He was the last person on earth I would have ever wished pain upon.

He stood and looked at me. I didn't make an attempt to grab him like last time, I didn't make a move at all.

"I'm sorry I was such an arse the other day, and I'm sorry I grabbed you. I had no right to." I hadn't thought out what I was going to say, it was all coming straight from my heart.

"'s okay, Bruce. Don't worry about it." He slung the bag across his shoulder, ready to leave, but then I spoke again.

"I was wondering if you want to go out for a pint, or maybe a bite to eat." Christ, I hadn't felt this awkward since the first time I asked a girl 0ut. Then I realized that's exactly what I was doing, I was asking Jan out on a date.

He hesitated and inwardly I froze up. I don't know what I would do if he refused. I didn't have a Plan B.

"Yeah, okay." 

I let out a breath in relief and smiled at him, but I knew better than to speak. This was such a fragile thing I knew that if I said one wrong thing he would 'suddenly' remember something he had to do. I grabbed my jacket and waited quietly by the door, but I couldn't keep my eyes off him as he said a few words to Davey before joining me.

 

Chapter Four

Janick's POV:

I don't know what possessed me to accept Bruce's invitation. It was something in his voice maybe, or something in his eyes, It was different from the day he grabbed me and accused to of fucking Davey. That had been volatile Bruce. Today I was seeing gentle Bruce, the thoughtful, caring man I'd fallen in love with so many years ago. I had been planning to go for a few pints with H and Davey so I briefly told them of my change of plans while Bruce waited placidly by the exit. Ade just nodded but Dave was concerned, I knew he would be, and he took me aside, speaking quietly.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Jan. Bruce is going to try to persuade you to be with him again, you know."

I wasn't so sure. There was something different in Bruce's manner today. "I'm a big boy, Davey. I'm not going to do anything stupid."

Dave didn't let it go that easily. "Just be careful. Don't let yourself be vulnerable, okay?"

I just nodded and told him I'd see him in a few days. We were taking a the next two days off because Steve had something planned with his kids for the weekend. My casual act was just that - an act. The truth is I was already vulnerable, I'd been vulnerable ever since Bruce's return. The first few days we'd all worked together I'd felt like I was made of eggshells, fragile and on edge. It was better now but only because I had been avoiding being alone with Bruce. Now here I was going out for dinner and drinks with him, just the two of us. I was uneasy about it but I'd accepted his invitation and wasn't going to back out now. I think I wanted to prove to myself I could be around him without falling to pieces. I only hoped I was up to the challenge.

Bruce seemed almost nervous as we walked to his car, if one could believe that. I had never seen him nervous before, I wouldn't even have been able to imagine it. He was quiet and when he did speak it was quietly, almost deferentially. He asked if I had any preference for dinner and I told him I hadn't. He drove in virtual silence and I watched him from the corner of my eye. With his short hair and subdued expression I could almost have convinced myself this man wasn't the same Bruce, but I knew it was from the way my senses were heightened from just sitting in the same car with him. It had always been like that, his presence seemed to amplify and hone my very being to a razor sharp edge. He must have sensed I was looking at him even though I was trying not to be obvious about it because he glanced over at me and smiled. I instantly wished I hadn't agreed to come. His smile was gentle and genuine and it made my heart constrict. I inwardly cursed myself for always reacting that way to him but I couldn't help it.

"There's a place I know of about twenty minutes from here," Bruce spoke quietly, "good food, quiet atmosphere."

"Sounds fine." What else was there for me to say? I glanced over at him again and caught the glint of gold on his hand on the steering wheel. He was wearing the ring I'd given him during the Millionaire tour. My fingers immediately went to my own ring, the one he had given me. They weren't exactly alike because he had surprised me by giving mine first. We'd been in Oslo, I remembered. He woke up before me one morning and slipped out to a jewelry store nearby that caught his eye. When I woke up he was sitting next to me in the bed and he wordlessly took my hand, slipping the ring on my finger. It was a signet ring with his initial on it. I thought about taking it off dozens of times and I wasn't sure why I hadn't. I think I regarded it as the last link to those days when we were so young, so close, and so in love and I just couldn't. I bought him a ring several days later and I was honestly surprised he still even had it, let alone wore it.

We were at a pub now, a rather upscale place with a peaceful atmosphere, and I was glad to order a beer to help calm my nerves. I didn't order much for dinner and I noticed Bruce ordered light as well. When the server left he looked across the booth at me, his usually sharp amber eyes soft, almost sad. 

"Thanks for agreeing to come here with me, Jan. I didn't think you would."

"I told you we're still mates, Bruce. I hope we always will be."

He looked down at his own beer but didn't take a drink. "I hope so, too. And I hope you can someday forgive me."

I hadn't expected that. I didn't expect him to even realize I needed to forgive him for anything. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to tell him I had forgiven him but I couldn't because it would be a lie. "I hope I can too." I heard myself say so quietly I wasn't sure he heard me. The expression on his face told me he did hear, though. He looked sad, remorseful, even ashamed.

"I know I've done a lot of things to hurt you, Jan." He spoke after a minute, raising his eyes to meet mine. They were bright with moisture and I felt a lump in my throat. "Even before I left the band I often took you for granted. I'm sure I said and did things to cause you pain and I never knew it. I want you to know I didn't mean it. I would never hurt you on purpose."

"I know." It came out as a whisper. He was right, he had done these things. He's gone off to shag other people, he broke promises he made to me to do things together when something else came along, he'd accused me of fucking around on him with Graeme or with Ian Gillan and more recently with Davey, and I never complained. I knew it's just the way he was. He need that kind of validation, deep inside he was still the scared, insecure kid who had been shunted off on his grandparents then packed off to school by his parents. I forgave him for all of that because I understood him and I loved him. I kept my eyes locked on his. "But I can't let you do those things anymore, Bruce."

"I suppose it wouldn't do any good for me to tell you I never would."

I broke eye contact then, it was getting too intense. "You can say that but it wouldn't change anything."

Our food arrived then but I'd lost what little appetite I'd had. I found myself wishing I'd listened to Davey, that I'd never agreed to come here. I poked at my salad, not daring to look up at Bruce because I knew he was looking at me, completely ignoring his plate. I could feel his eyes on me. I took a steadying sip of my beer and finally looked up. He was looking at my hand wrapped around the glass, looking at the ring, but he didn't say anything. I moved my hand, putting it in my lap out of his sight. When I looked up again he was looking at his own hand, looking at his ring.

"I meant everything I ever told you, Jan." I was taken aback by the fact he was choked up, genuinely choked up, and his eyes were brimming now. "I've loved you from the very first and to this day I've never loved anyone more."

He meant it. I knew he meant it. But Davey's words came back to me. Bruce was being persuasive and I was letting myself be vulnerable. I couldn't answer, I couldn't find my voice and I didn't know what to say anyway.

"I fucked up, Jan." His voice fell and there was a catch in it. "I let you drift away. We could have stayed as close as we ever were but I let everything else get in the way, and I'm sorry. You don't know how sorry I am." I saw a few tears track down his face and it took every bit of my willpower not to reach over and brush them away.

"You can't erase the past six years simply by being sorry, Bruce." I tried to keep my own voice steady and I took another sip of liquid courage. Why did he always affect me to strongly? "In a way I can understand why you felt you had to quit Maiden. That was a professional decision. But when you stopped calling me, when I knew you were in the country and you made no effort to contact me - how am I supposed to get over that?"

"You can give me a chance to make it up to you!" There was desperation in his voice, he was making no effort to hide his tears and I suddenly realized my own face was wet with tears even though I hadn't even been aware I was crying. "You can stop shutting me out!"

All the barriers were down now. I laid myself bare to him, not trying to conceal anything anymore. "I don't know if I can do that, Bruce! It's too.....too.....," I broke off and passed my hand over my face, unable to articulate the whirlpool of emotions running through me.

"Too what? Talk to me, Jan, tell me why we can't be like we were!"

"It's too fucking frightening, Bruce!" I burst out, desperately trying to keep my voice low. We were in the back of the room away from the other patrons but it was hard enough for me to open up about these things without the added worry that someone would overhear. "Suppose I let my guard down and let myself get close to you and you leave again!?"

"Janick!" Bruce made a quick move and caught my hand across the table. He wasn't rough though, he merely covered it with his own hand and I knew he could feel that I was trembling. "It shouldn't be frightening, why are you so scared?"

"Because I still love you, Bruce." There, I said it. I looked straight into his eyes and admitted it. "I love you so damn much that just being around you tears me to pieces!"

He looked startled and it suddenly occurred to me he didn't know, he had no idea I still felt that way. "I love you, Bruce." I repeated, feeling his warm hand over mine. "But I can't risk letting you hurt me again."

Chapter Five

Bruce's POV:

 

I felt like my heart stopped beating. Jan still loved me! I honestly thought he almost hated me, yet he still loved me. I couldn't tear my eyes away from his. His ordinarily pale blue eyes were dark with emotion and filled with tears, yet his gaze didn't waver. I knew I didn't deserve this. I never deserved Jan, I'd always known that. He was too good and honest and intelligent for someone like me and maybe that's why I had always taken so many risks in our relationship. Maybe underneath it all I always felt he should give up on me and find someone who could treat him as well as he should be treated. I'd let him down more times than I could count and after all that, even after I'd neglected him so badly over the past few years, he still loved me. I felt like curling up in a ball right there on the floor and sobbing my eyes out, I'd never felt less worthy in my life. 

"Tell me what I can do, Jan! Tell me how we can get back what we once had!"

He didn't reply for a long minute, then he almost imperceptibly shook his head. "I'm not sure if it could ever be the same." 

It tore my heart to hear him sound so sad and resigned. I felt his hand tremble beneath mine and in spite of the face we were in a semi-public place I raised his hand to my lips and kissed it, kissing each finger individually then kissing the ring that symbolized what we were to each other. I felt his hand twitch like he wanted to pull away but he didn't.

"Then let's start again! I won't make any promises I can't keep, I won't be jealous or demanding. I won't even expect you to let me sleep with you. I just want to feel close to you again. I still love you, too. I'll love you till my dying breath." I still felt a hair's breadth of breaking down in sobs as I waited for his reaction.

It was a long time before he said anything at all. I let go of his hand and he drew it away slowly, looking at it as though my kisses had somehow left a mark. That had been the first time I'd physically touched him in longer than I cared to remember and the feeling of those long, calloused fingers stirred up memories in the back of my mind that I had to make a real effort to suppress. His touch had always electrified me, sending a jolt straight to my groin, and this was not the time for that. I'd told him I didn't expect him to have sex with me and I meant it. I wanted that, I wanted that so much it was agonizing, but I wanted so much more with him and I wanted him to know that beyond the shadow of a doubt.

"I....I don't know what to tell you, Bruce." Jan finally spoke. "I want to be close again too, but things are different now."

I had to ask. In spite of what Nicko had said I needed to hear it from Jan himself. "Is it because of Davey?" I kept my voice soft and to my surprise the jealousy I felt wasn't the raging possessiveness that had marked our relationship so often before. I was leaving my barriers down now and all I felt was a gut-wrenching pain at the thought he was involved with any other man. 

Jan shook his head, his eyes honest. "I'm not sleeping with Davey, Bruce. I needed a friend and he was there but the thought of it going any further never crossed either of our minds."

I believed him. Jan was not a liar, I had never known him to tell even a white lie. "Then what's different?"

He sighed, seeming to search for words. "I guess I'm a little more cynical now. A little less able to impulsively jump into anything I'm not sure about."

"And you're not sure about me." It was a statement, not a question. "I don't blame you. I can wait until you feel sure. I don't want to wait, it isn't in my nature to wait for anything. But I'll wait for you. What I feel for you isn't going to fade away."

In the end we never did eat our meal. We finished our drinks and I drove Jan to his home with little more being said. Several years ago he purchased a house only a few minutes from my own. It came in very handy a few times when we were still having our clandestine nights together but more recently I had avoided even passing the street where he lived. It brought memories of those long love-filled nights too close to the surface. He divided his time between London and Yarm and I didn't want to take the chance of seeing him on the street. I understood now that my avoidance was based on guilt over not calling him, yet I had never called him. It seemed so absurd now but at the time I always put it off because of some project or other I was involved in. 

I pulled to the curb in front of his house but before he could get out of the car I reached over and lay my hand over his. "Jan?" He looked at me inquiringly and I took a chance. I leaned over and brushed my lips over his. The kiss was so light it was barely a touch but it shook me to the core. I couldn't tell what effect it had on him, he grabbed his guitar from the backseat and was gone, walking quickly to the house with his head low, long tawny hair obscuring his face. It took me a moment to compose myself before I could drive on to my own house. I wanted to run after him so badly it physically hurt, run after him, grab him, press him up against the wall and make love to him like it was our last hour on earth.

The following two days dragged on. As always I had several different things going on at once and I went through the motions but my mind was constantly on Jan. We had resolved nothing that night over dinner, we had come to no agreements. I didn't know if he was going to try to rebuild our relationship, he'd given me no indication. I had to be patient and, as I said before, I am not a patient man. On Monday we were all to meet at Steve's again. We still had a lot of material to go over and polish up before hitting the recording studio and time was running out. Steve was determined that my return get the maximum impact for the band and where I'd once seen him as an unreasonable slavedriver my time heading up my own band had given me a new insight on the matter. Maiden was his life. All the rest of us except Dave had been in other bands and involved in outside projects, but Steve lived for Maiden and I understood that now.

I saw Jan's Porsche when I pulled up at Steve's barn/studio and I was overcome with an unexpected feeling of trepidation. What if he'd thought it over and decided it wasn't worth the risk to trust me? I didn't know how I would handle it if he was still distant toward me. I tried to convince myself that I could be happy if we were just mates but I knew I was only fooling myself. It would never be enough. He was sitting on one of the sofas in the studio talking with Ade and Dave when I walked in, they already had their guitars out and I realized I was the last one to arrive. I expected some kind of comment from Steve but he didn't say anything and we immediately got to work on one of the songs he's written, working out what key I should sing in and all the other vocal nuances I had gone over dozens of times for dozens of songs. The Three Amigos all greeted me when I entered and Jan had offered me a rather tremulous smile, but they went back to work as well.

I caught Jan looking over at me several times and he didn't look away when I looked up, but his expression gave no indication of his thoughts. I also caught Dave looking speculatively between Jan and I and I couldn't help wonder how much Jan had told him about our conversation the other night. Now that I was convinced that the two of them weren't fucking I found myself glad Jan had a friend like Dave. I knew Dave would be a good listener for Jan and I also knew he wouldn't try to sway Jan one way or the other about me. If Nicko had been there I would have been tempted to talk to him about this, but we weren't working on anything concerning drums today and no doubt Nicko was off playing golf somewhere.

We took our breaks in Steve's custom bar room when we worked at his house, the place was an exact reproduction of a pub and also had a refrigerator stocked with ready-made food. After a few hours Steve called for a break, he had some calls to take care of, so I was walking to the main house to the bar when I heard a soft voice behind me call my name, a voice that literally made my heart beat faster. I turned and Jan was standing behind me as the other guitarists went on ahead. I walked over to him but let him speak first.

"Steve's going to be busy for awhile. Do you want to go into town for lunch?" Jan asked, looking a little fidgety as though he expected me to decline.

I was surprised by the invitation, but pleasantly so. I followed him to his car, dying to ask him if he had come to any determination about my proposal of getting back together but reluctant to be the first to bring up the subject. He started driving the short distance to the small town nearby and when he didn't say anything after a few minutes I threw caution to the wind. As I've said, I'm not a patient man.

"Have you thought about what we were talking about?"

He gave a kind of laugh. "I've thought about little else!" he admitted.

"Have.....have you come to any decisions?" I almost hated to ask because I knew I might not like the answer.

"Yeah." he answered readily, downshifting the car even though we hadn't reached the town yet.

"What have you decided?" I heard the wavering note in my voice but there was no taking it back now.

Without warning Jan took the car out of gear and stopped so abruptly the tires squealed. Before I could quite comprehend what was happening he unclipped his seat belt and clambered over the console, practically sitting in my lap, and his mouth was on mine. Oh fuck, he kissed as good as I remembered. Even better! My arms wrapped around him before I was even aware of moving and I was returning his kisses with every bit of the pent-up love and desire I had for him. The scent of his hair was in my nostrils and the taste of him made me feel drunk, my head was spinning with the suddenness and unexpectedness of this but I didn't hesitate.

"I don't care," Jan was mumbling through our kisses, "if this is the stupidest thing I've ever done. I don't care what Davey or anyone else says. I want you, Bruce! I want everything we had before, I want even more!" His mouth was on my face then, and my neck, but a car whizzing past us brought us both back to reality. We were parked at the side of a road necking like teenagers and even though the windows of the car were tinted I knew this wasn't the place for this. What I wanted to do with Jan required more space than this, more privacy, and more time.

I was kissing him too, I couldn't seem to stop, and my fingers were tangled in his hair. I felt the heat of his body as he half sat on me and I knew he could feel the desire he'd stirred up in me pressing hard against his hip. "Jan, wait...."I gasped, "we can't do this here!"

"I don't want to wait!" He murmured. "I've waited long enough, I've denied myself long enough!" I felt his hand slide down my stomach and I sucked in a sharp breath when he brushed his fingers across my groin. Oh yes, my Janick was a sexual animal when he was roused!

"Then at least..." I had to take a deep breath to be able to speak coherently, "at least pull off the roadway!"

Reluctantly he pulled away from me, trailing his fingers down my leg even as he moved back into his seat and started the car. A few dozen yards ahead was a gated farm driveway and he pulled ahead, pulling up in front of the gate. He parked and turned to me. His eyes were the dark, stormy gray I remembered so vividly that indicated he was aroused. He didn't climb back over to me, however.

"I want you to promise me one thing, Bruce." His breath was still ragged and his voice low. "I want you to promise to be honest with me. I've never made any demands of you and I'm not going to start now, but if you ever think of leaving again, if you ever want to be apart from me for a while, I want you to tell me. Just let me know, okay?"

I nodded. I was having a little trouble speaking but I managed to find my voice. "I swear to you I will, Jan. I swear to you I will never hurt you again!" I reached out almost without thinking and touched his face, tracing my fingers down his cheek and along his jaw. "I love you, Janick, and that is never going to change."

He looked at me for another long moment, a look charged with so many things words could never convey, then he slowly slipped back over to sit across my lap again. This time I kissed him, making it slow and deep and loving, drawing his tongue into my mouth and tasting of him the way I'd been dreaming of doing. We were still in a cramped space but it didn't seem to matter now, nothing else seemed to matter as we kissed again and again, greedy, hungry kisses filled with longing and desire. His lips fastened to my neck, sucking and then licking and I thought I was going to burst through my jeans. When he shifted in my lap and his arse brushed across my hardness I moaned out loud.

"I want you so badly, Jan," I breathed, "but there's no room here. I wanted this to be in a king sized bed in a luxury hotel room, not in a car on the side of the road. I want to make love to you like you deserve!" 

"It doesn't matter," he was almost panting, "I don't care if we don't do everything right now, I just want to be with you!"

His hands were beneath my tee shirt running through the hair on my chest, passing over my stomach and his fingers dipping beneath the waistband of my pants. I reached blindly below the seat for the lever and scooted it back as far as it would go to accommodate Jan's long legs and he immediately took advantage of the extra space, kneeling between my outstretched legs and covering my chest and stomach with wet, wild kisses as his fingers deftly unbuttoned and unzipped my pants. 

"Oh God, Jan!" I cried out at the first touch of his fingers on my erection, it felt like his touch was burning I was so sensitive. He responded with a breathy moan of his own and lowered his head, his hair brushing across my exposed thighs. At the first touch of his tongue on me I thought it was going to be all over immediately, it felt so good. No one had ever been able to get me this turned on this fast except Jan. I remembered how he used to love to tease me, drawing out the pleasure until it was almost too much to bear without losing my mind, but this time there was no teasing. I suddenly felt his hot, moist mouth engulf me and I threw my head back, closing my eyes, my fingers clutching his hair.

I was lost in the unbelievable sensations he was inflicting on me and was only dimly aware that he'd opened his own jeans, the hand that wasn't wrapped around me reaching down to touch himself.

"Jan, don't!" I gasped out, "you don't have to do that, I'll take care of you. I want to take care of you!"

He didn't reply but he did return both hands to me. I'd been wanting him so bad for so long it was a matter of a very few minutes before I felt the ball of heat growing deep down inside me. Jan must have sensed it, he was always completely in tune with my body, and he increased his efforts until I suddenly arched off the seat with a wild shout, my orgasm coming upon me without warning and completely overwhelming me with such a powerful force I thought I would black out. I knew I shouted out his name, I think I shouted out that I loved him, but that was okay because it was the truth.

Jan didn't stop until I was completely spent, lying back exhausted on the seat. Even then he let go only to give me a series of small, loving kisses all along my thighs and across my stomach. I untangled my fingers from his hair, letting the silkiness run through my fingers as I smoothed the strands back into place. Jan lay his head in my lap, even then pressing a small kiss to my stomach.

"Come here," I whispered, reaching under his shoulders to draw him up. As soon as I could reach I closed my hand around him, he was so hard it had to be almost painful. He was still kneeling and I pulled him forward until his member touched my own, still half hard in spite of the intensity of my orgasm. He gasped at the touch and I pulled him up further until he was once again sitting in my lap, one knee on either side of me, skin tight jeans slid off one long leg and around the other ankle. I wrapped my hand around him, my eyes on his excitement, almost mesmerized by what I hadn't seen in far too long.

"This is only a promise," I kissed him, burying my face in those long sienna curls, "a taste of what's to come because I plan on doing so much more with you!" My hand worked rhythmically as I kissed and nipped at the pale, smooth skin of his neck and shoulders and I watched with fascination as he visibly grew closer and closer to his completion. His hips wouldn't stay still, his chest was heaving, and suddenly with a long, drawn out groan I felt him fill my hand with wet heat as his body trembled violently. The look on his face as he reached his peak almost had me ready again and I held him close, continuing to stroke him until the spasms subsided.

Jan slumped limply against me, trying to regain his breath. I was still kissing him, nibbling at the earlobe he wasn't wearing an earring in. "I'm going to do something better than this for you." I promised him. "I want to taste you, I want to see you beneath me, I want to feel you ride me. Jan, I want all of you, I want everything!"

"You've got all of me." I managed to say.

******

 

Chapter Six

Janick's POV:

I gave in. I should have known all along that I would. I loved Bruce so much and I wanted him so badly I practically jumped his bones by the side of the highway, and I didn't care. It may have been a stupid thing for me to do and I was well aware that I might regret it, it could lead to the same heartaches it had led to in the past, but I was tired of fighting how I feel. We never made it to town, we sat there holding one another until we had to get back to Steve's, and I was convinced that everyone would take one look at us as soon as we walked and know what we'd been doing.

They didn't seem to, though, although Davey did raise an eyebrow when I walked in with Bruce. He went to where Steve was strumming an acoustic and making notations on a lyric sheet and I returned to the circle of chairs where Dave and H already sat, picking up my guitar.

"Where did you guys get off to?" Dave asked, studiously not looking at me. He was forcing his voice to be casual, I could tell.

"We decided to go into town for lunch." It was the truth. We hadn't made it to town, but that had been the intent.

"Um Hmm," Dave said, looking up at me. Then his eyes widened and he reached over, lifting the hair back over my shoulder.

"What?" I smoothed the hair back down, puzzled by the look on his face.

His lips twitched like he was trying not to smile. "I know you aren't aware of it, Jan, but you've got a pretty good hickey right there."

Oh shit! I pulled the hair even further forward on my neck, looking down at my guitar. I had no idea what to say.

H looked up then, trying to peer through my hair, then he looked questioningly at Dave. Dave shook his head a little, as though to say he couldn't elaborate on what was going on. I sighed, thinking I was going to face Dave's disapproval.

"Took you long enough." Dave finally muttered.

What did he mean by that? My question must have showed in my face, because Dave gave me an exasperated look. 

"Oh Jan, I knew it was inevitable and I think you did too. And now that you've gotten that over with maybe we can settle in and get some work done!"

Poor Ade looked confused, then he gave a little shrug and went back to going over his notes. I was still looking at Dave, incredulous. He had been cautioning me all along about getting involved with Bruce again and now he was saying it had been inevitable. He looked up from his guitar after a moment and saw I was still staring at him.

"What do you want me to say?" he spread his hands. "You know what you're doing. You're a big boy. And now that you've apparently decided to do this I can say that I'm glad. You were miserable without him."

Ade looked up sharply at that, looking first at Dave, then at me. Prompted by some impulse I didn't quite understand, I told him.

"Bruce and I have been lovers since 1979. We haven't been together for the past couple of years, and now we're together again."

He looked at me, his features frozen. Then he nodded. "Okay. " That was all he said, and he went back to what he was doing. I almost laughed with relief at his reaction and it looked as though Dave did too.

Throughout the rest of the day I occasionally looked over to Bruce and somehow he seemed to sense it, he would look back and I wasn't the least bit surprised when he sought me out when we stopped for the day. My heart was hammering as I watched him walk over but it wasn't from uncertainty this time, it was from excitement. There was a single-minded look in his eyes and I Suspected my eyes mirrored it. We wanted a place to be alone. Years before we had sometimes taken a room for the night at a particular north London hotel and I knew without asking that was where we were heading. We had the next few days off so I drove my own car rather than leaving it at Steve's, following Bruce. As I suspected, he headed straight for that same hotel. 

I almost felt nervous but the anticipation far outweighed the nerves. I let Bruce go forward to arrange the room then we went up together. There had been times in the past when there were some pretty heavy make-out sessions in the elevator going up to the room but this time Bruce just took my hand and smiled at me. Once we were inside the room he turned to me.

"Are you absolutely sure you want to be here with me?" 

I looked at him and I didn't have any reservations. "Yes. Absolutely."

He reached out to me, pulling me to him and meeting my lips with a surprisingly gentle, loving kiss. I melted into it. It was just as I remembered.

"Do you remember the first night we spent together?" Bruce asked when the kiss ended. He's taken my hand and was leading me toward the bed.

Of course I remembered. I smiled. Samson and White Spirit were both playing at a festival near Middlesbrough. We were on first so by the time Samson's set was over I'd had a few beers. Bruce and I were already close friends and he had been trying to talk me into having sex with him for weeks but I always shied away, uncertain about being with another man. This time, though, I had just enough beer to overcome my inhibitions and I went with him to the small hotel where Samson was staying. By morning I knew my life had changed forever, and I knew I was in love with Bruce Dickinson. He had already told me he loved me before I even gave in to him and that night he showed me he did by every means possible. I couldn't get enough of him, and it seemed he felt the same way. True, there were women in both our lives but it didn't change anything between Bruce and I. I could deal with the women. What I hadn't been able to deal with was his withdrawing from me and not making time for me in his life.

Aloud I said. "Of course I remember." I pushed those other thoughts aside. If I dwelled on them my doubts would resurface and I didn't want to second guess myself.

We were at the bed now but Bruce took my hand and sat me down on the edge rather than pushing me back and making love to me like I expected he would. "I know I'd found something important that night twenty years ago, Jan, and I almost lost it," he said, taking my other hand so now he was holding them both. "It terrifies me to think of how close I came to losing you. I'm not going to let that happen again." 

It was as though he could read my mind and saw the lingering doubts there. And maybe he could. We had always been so in sync, and he always told me my eyes betrayed everything I was thinking. Right now, though, I could read his eyes and I saw absolute sincerity there. All at once I felt my doubts and reservations vanish. I nodded. "I hope not. I suppose in a way it was my fault, too." I admitted. "I could have reached out to you, I could have called you."

"Why didn't you?" Bruce asked quietly.

I had to answer honestly even though it was hard to say the words. "I didn't think you wanted me anymore."

Bruce looked at me, his face solemn. "Janick, I will always want you. I love you and I always will. Please," he moved his hands to cup my face, leaning close to look straight in my eyes, "don't ever doubt that again." He moved in and gave me another soft kiss, but when I returned it he slipped his arms around me, pulling me closer. There have been times when his lovemaking was harsh, almost violent, but the times I treasured were times like this. I had been doubting I would ever feel like this again when I thought he's moved on and left me behind and this was a feeling I craved like a drug.

We lay back on the bed still wrapped in a deep kiss, then his mouth was all over my throat and neck and I was tugging at his shirt. He took the hint and removed it, throwing it aside, then he lay back by my side and slowly pulled my shirt up, kissing the exposed skin of my stomach and chest until I pulled the shirt off over my head. Bruce was still going slow, taking his time and not allowing me to do anything more than run my hands across his body. He found my nipples with his tongue and a shudder ran through me at the sensation. I hadn't felt that sensation in a long time, women never thought to give attention to a man's nipples, But Bruce was giving them attention, a great deal of attention to the point where I was writhing under his ministrations, my hands on his head. 

He looked up at me. I was already a wreck and I was still half dressed, he knew it and he smiled a devilish smile. "I want to make you squirm, Jan. I want you to squirm and cry out my name!"

"I....," I had to catch my breath, "I will. Just make love to me, don't stop!"

He smiled that smile again and a thrill shot through me. That smile was filled with so many naughty promises  
it made my head spin. He started kissing his way down my body then, still not letting me do more than run my hands across his skin and through the hair on his chest and stomach. I did manage to tweak his nipple though, causing him to make a soft, sharp cry against my skin and then give me a nip with his teeth.

"Your skin is so perfect, Jan," Bruce was murmuring as he worked his mouth across my stomach. "So smooth and fair. No woman on earth has skin this perfect to the touch and you taste so good, like you've always tasted. I've never forgotten the taste of you and I want to taste more!" 

Bruce was getting quite worked up now and I was beyond excited. He finally reached the button to my jeans and unsnapped it, licking the skin beneath as he eased the zipper down. I always wore tight fitting skinny jeans and I was so excited Bruce was having trouble working them down over the prominent bulge. I grew impatient and wrenched them down over my hips, working them off and kicking them aside.

"Now take off your pants, Bruce." I urged him. He was lying down between my legs now and all I could reach was his head to I threaded my fingers through his hair, marveling at how odd it felt now that it was so short. I was used to the long straight chestnut locks that used to reach nearly to his waist, I had been known to tug and pull his hair pretty hard during my more excited moments in bed and I missed it now. 

I had little time to dwell on his hair though because we were both naked now and I felt the heat of his body on my legs. He hadn't touched me yet where I needed his touch the most and he bypassed it now, running tiny bites and kisses along my hip bones and the tops of my thighs. I was trying to move, trying to shift my body so he was nearer to where I wanted him and he knew what I was doing, I felt him smile against my skin and he brought his hand up, running his fingers around, closer and closer until I heard myself pleading with him.  
"Come on, Bruce, please! I need you, it's been too long!”

"Mmm, yes, it has." he mumbled and then without preliminaries I suddenly felt his mouth encircle me, making me raise my hips and let out a sound I barely recognized as coming from my own lips.

I didn't think I was going to last more than a minute, but Bruce knew how to play me along, he hasn't forgotten the signs and he recognized I was getting irrevocably close to the top. He pulled away slowly, breathing hard.

"Not yet, love. Not yet, we want to make this last! I want to feel you around me, nothing has ever feels so good as when I'm in you."

I could only nod, reaching down to him as he raised up to my level again. I felt bereft of his touch down below but he closed his hand around me, gently this time though the touch was excruciating on my sensitive flesh. I couldn't lie still, I moved against him as he leaned over me, pressing myself against him and being rewarded by a sharp intake of his breath as our erections touched. I instinctively wrapped my legs around him as he once again bombarded me with kisses. I could reach him now and I let my hands wander, exploring every inch of him that I could reach, reveling in the knowledge that this was real, this was actually happening, it wasn't simply another of my erotic dreams about Bruce.

The feelings between us were so heightened right then that I felt drunk, high, as swept away as though I were onstage in front of 100,000 people screaming and yelling and the music surging through me. Only this was more intense because it was so intimate, so personal. It was just me and Bruce, just us together the way it's supposed to be. I felt him hot against me and he captured me in an intense kiss then leaned back slightly. I felt him enter me and we both caught our breath at the sensation. Bruce was well endowed but I was used to that, he was the only man I've ever been with so I never knew anything else, and the familiar excitement washed through me like a powerful wave. 

I looked up at him, I loved watching his face as we made love, and his eyes were fixed on mine. It heightened my excitement to see the passion there but I also saw something deeper, I saw the unwavering love he professed to have for me. I reached and clutched him, pulling him as close as I could, feeling the friction of our bodies moving, and I felt the combustion ignite in me. I didn't fight it this time, I gave myself up to it and rode the crescendo until it was too much to bear. I cried out, knowing it was loud and not caring, clutching tighter at his flanks, sinking my fingers into his flesh as wave after wave coursed through me.

Bruce's movements were uneven now, he was close to the edge and my orgasm was all it took to send him over. With a deep moan he sank himself deep, shuddering, climaxing as intensely as I had. It seemed to last forever, then his shoulders drooped with exhaustion and he rolled off to my side, leaving my body but wrapping his arms around me tightly. He buried his face in my hair which was now damp from exertion.

"God, Jan," he breathed after a minute, "how did I ever live without this!"

Chapter Seven

Bruce's POV:

There is no feeling on earth like making love with Janick. It's as emotional as it is physical and the combination amazes me each and every time even if it's the third time in one night, as it has been many times. I felt utterly drained and buried myself in his sweet smelling hair until I felt I could function, then I looked up at him. He was looking at me, our faces so close I could feel his breath on my skin, and I saw his face was moist. He would get so carried away that he would sometimes shed tears, the intensity was too overwhelming. It used to worry me but now I found satisfaction in it. It meant that the experience was as profound for him as it had been for me. I kissed the damp cheeks, loving the salty taste, then kissed his lips. I was back where I belonged. 

Part of me wanted to doze off but I knew I couldn't let myself. After a few minutes I sat up slightly. "Jan, we should talk." A look of alarm flashed through his eyes and I immediately understood he was still afraid I would do or say something to hurt him. I hurried to reassure him. "No, love, it's nothing bad. Sit up here with me, let me hold you." 

He scooted to a sitting position, pulling the duvet free from beneath us and covering us to the waist with it then leaning with me against the headboard. He looked at me, still uncertain. He was like a nervous puppy in a thunderstorm, unable to rid himself of his anxiety. It was my job to banish those doubts.

"I'm not going to let you get away from me again, Jan. I was insane to let it happen at all. We'll be together as often as we can and when we're on the road with the band we can be together constantly. We will be, I promise you that. But when we're home you know we both have other responsibilities." I had my wife and children and he had a little daughter now. My wife knew about him, she knew about how it had been and how I felt about Jan and she accepted it because Jan was a man. Somehow she viewed that differently than if I had a female lover. I don't know how much Jan had told his girlfriend about me.

Jan nodded, albeit rather reluctantly. "I know. It wouldn't be fair to our families if we neglected them, I understand that. I may get married myself one day and if I do there are going to be no secrets. I think she already suspects how I feel about you." I looked at him, somewhat surprised. He laughed a little. "Apparently I talk in my sleep."

"You do, mate!" I laughed too. I had often heard him mumbling in his sleep and I had sometimes heard my name amid the gibberish. 

Jan shook his head, smiling. "I wish someone had told me that!" He made a swat at my arm and I ducked then caught his hand. He sighed then, "I know you're right, neither of us are as free as we once were and our time together can't be as often as it used to be."

I was glad he was seeing the truth in that. "But on the road it will be!" I assured him. "My wife comes on tour occasionally but usually only for a few days." I looked at him, searching his face. "Is that going to be all right? It might be a bit hard on you but there really isn't much I can do about it."

He nodded. "I understand. I may not always like it but I do understand. It's the price we pay for growing up, and having families of our own, I suppose." He gave me a smile then leaned his head back, closing his eyes. I watched him, admiring his profile, loving the way his hair fell in wild waves across his bare shoulders, and I couldn't resist leaning over to place a kiss on the creamy white skin. He opened his eyes and smiled.

"You should know that Dave knows about us, and now Ade does too."

"I figured as much," I smiled reassuringly. "That's okay, I don't mind. Nicko knows too, though I didn't tell him. He says he's known for years. He used to hear us on the tour bus."

Jan burst into an embarrassed laugh. "Oh, no! You always told me I was being too loud."

"I love it when you're loud, the sounds you make are an incredible turn on. And we don't use tour busses anymore so you can be as loud as you like."

"I can't help it," he admitted. "You get me going so much I forget where I am." He was quiet for a minute, then asked "I wonder how much Steve knows?"

I'd been wondering the same thing ever since my talk with Nicko. He was right in that Steve usually stayed with his family apart from the rest of us but we were fooling around right under his nose for three years. "He's never said anything, maybe he doesn't know. I don't think he would like it if he knew, he'd think we'd get the reputation as a group of queers."

"Halford came out of the closet last year and Judas Priest hasn't suffered much from it." Jan reminded me. "And he's gay. We're not. We like women too."

He was right, but I was a little worried about Steve. I might have to take some preventive measures. I'd have to give it some thought. Jan slid back down to lay his head in my lap and I smiled down at him, stroking his hair. He looked so beautiful it took my breath away. "I love you." I whispered, and he opened his eyes to look up at me.

"I love you too, Brucie." he said simply, and my heart filled with warmth at his calling me by that name. His head in my lap was having an effect on my now that I'd had a little time to recuperate and after a minute I knew he could feel it. He raised his hand, running his fingers through my chest hair and pressing light kisses to my stomach above the blanket. His touch made my very skin tingle and before long we were wrapped in another heated coupling.

Our wake-up call came entirely too early the next morning. Jan merely mumbled something and snuggled in tighter to my side and I took the opportunity to lay watching him sleep for a few minutes before I woke him. His pale shoulder was exposed where the blanket slipped down and I saw two red love bites there. I knew there were more, and not all on his neck . I felt a twinge of worry. My complexion was darker and my skin didn't mark as easily so it was relatively easy for me to conceal the marks Jan had left on me but it would be plain to everyone that Jan had a very good time with someone. Fortunately his girlfriend was taking their daughter up north to visit family for the next week but I would have to be more restrained in the future. Things had, indeed, changed.

 

Insatiable Jan hadn't changed, however - he was still as randy as a goat. The previous night had proven that. Jan wouldn't be able to sit properly today, I was sure, but my own behind had seen a bit of action as well. Though I was usually the man on top, we sometimes switched up, especially on special occasions. And our reuniting was indeed a special occasion. The next phase of songwriting involved working out the preliminaries details of the sound, joining both the music and lyrics together, so Steve preferred to do it in town. The studio wouldn't be available until later in the week however so we had three days before we had to all meet in London. But in the meantime Jan and I intended to take full advantage of our time together. We left the hotel briefly last night to buy a change of clothes and other basic necessities so we wouldn't have to go to our respective homes, but with that taken care of we wouldn't need to leave the bed for the next 72 hours.

Jan stirred at my side and I was shaken from my train of thought. His lion’s mane of hair tousled and his eyes bleary with sleep he sat up, and I thought I had never seen anything as adorable.

“Morning! How do you feel?” I asked him. He ran his fingers through his hair and down his face.

“ ‘m okay. I’m not used to so much nighttime….activity, though.” he smiled.

“You’d better get used to it,” I teased, “because we haven’t made up for the past few years yet. There was a time when we’d have started last night and still be going at it now.”

He giggled, knowing it was true. “We were a bit younger then. Can we get some coffee and maybe a bite to eat?”

“We’ll get anything you want, the room service menu is on the credenza.”

He hopped out of bed stark naked to grab it and at the sight of his lean white body I was suddenly hungry too, but not for breakfast. When he climbed back in bed beside me to study the menu I started nuzzling his shoulder, moving up to place a line of soft kisses along his neck.

“Bruce, stop!” Jan giggled, “at least let me order something to eat first!”

“I know what I want to eat!” I told him, placing a bite on his shoulder but being careful this time to not suck on the skin and leave a mark.

“And you’ll have it, too, as soon as I replenish my energy a bit.” he laughed, but his free arm slipped around me and he leaned against me. We ordered up some fruit and cereal as well as a carafe of coffee and I had to refrain from starting something or I would only be interrupted by the arrival of the food. When it arrived Jan was in the bathroom and I had to pull on my jeans to answer the door. I had the tray of food on the bed and Jan, still completely nude, emerged from the bathroom and sat cross legged next to me. He picked out a banana from the fruit tray, peeled it, and looked at me while sliding it in and out of his mouth. I got the message loud and clear. 

 

Chapter eight

Janick's POV:

We didn't spend those three days constantly having sex, although I wouldn't have minded that a bit. But we also had some heart-to-heart talks and I accepted that Bruce was genuinely remorseful for the distance the grew between us. He never knew how very deeply his leaving Maiden had affected me, and I understood that now. He admitted he had been too wrapped up in his own life to fully comprehend it and I admitted that I should have been more open with him about how I felt. I took my share of the blame for our not getting together more often as well. The easy closeness we had always known was still as natural as it ever had been. 

And so was the physical chemistry. Bruce is a very physical person and when I'm with him I get that way as well. A simple touch turned into a caress, then a kiss, then we were rolling on the bed like dogs in heat. It seemed we couldn't get enough, like we were making up for the past couple years in just three days..We did it in the shower, on the floor, against the furniture - I don't think there was any place in that room that we didn't have sex on, in, or against by the time we checked out

 

Bruce woke me up the morning we had to leave with a sweet kiss, running the back of his knuckles lightly across my face. "Morning, gorgeous." he whispered as I opened my eyes and tried to get them to stay open. "You have to get up, we have to leave this morning."

"I don't wanna." I mumbled, burying my face in the nook of his shoulder. I felt him kiss the top of my head.

"I don't either, but we have to. We've been hiding away for days, people may be trying to find us. Besides, we're all supposed to be at the rehearsal studio by noon."

He was right but I still didn't want to go. I ran my fingers through Bruce' forest of chest hair and kissed him. "When can we do this again?" I asked without thinking, and immediately regretted my words. I hadn't wanted to ask out loud because I was afraid of the answer. 

He hesitated and I almost cringed. "I don't know." he finally said and the sadness in his voice was clear. "Every chance we get,. I can promise you that, Jan. We'll be going to Paris to record soon, and after the album is recorded there will be a tour. We'll be together all the time then."

I hated to but I had to remind him. "Your wife sometimes comes on tours."

"She only stays for a few shows, we can work around that. " He put his hand under my chin and made me look up at him. "Will you be okay with that? Are you okay with all of this?"

I looked into those amber eyes. Bruce's eyes were always so bright and sharp I easily got lost in them. I answered him, and I meant it. "I'll be okay as long as I know you love me, Bruce."

He leaned to kiss me. "Then you'll always be okay, because I'll always love you."

 

We left the motel separately and after a quick stop at home for a change of clothes we went to the studio, also separately. Bruce was already there when I arrived because I had to dig through my closet for a shirt with a high enough collar to hide the bite marks. Bruce apologized for them and was careful not to make more but the ones from our first night were still visible. I felt Davey's eyes on me when I walked into the studio but Steve was talking about some minor changes he wanted to make so it wasn't until later that Dave had an opportunity to speak to me. We worked on the guitar parts for a couple of hours then Steve and Nick wanted to get the rhythm parts sorted out so Dave, Ade, and I went into the lounge area. Bruce had been returning phone calls off and on all morning that he had missed when he was with me so it was just us three amigos in the break room. Completely disregarding the fact that Ade was right there Dave immediately asked me where I'd been.

"I tried ringing your house a dozen times, I even called your house up north." he was saying. "In case you forgot, we were supposed to play a football match yesterday."

Oh shit! I had forgotten. The three of us had been in the habit of having a friendly match with some of the other musicians we knew every couple of weeks but in the excitement of being with Bruce it had completely slipped my mind.  
"I'm sorry, mate, I didn't realize it was yesterday." I did feel a little badly about missing it but it had been worth it.

Dave looked at me shrewdly and leaned closer, lowering his voice even though it was just the three of us in the room. "C'mon, I may not know where you were but I think I can guess what you were doing!"

I didn't know how to reply to that."You can?" was all I could think of to say.

Dave smiled and shook his head slightly. You're walking a little odd today, my friend. Sitting a little gingerly too, I'd say."

I barely suppressed a gasp. I hoped it was only obvious to Dave because he knew about me and Bruce but it was still a little discomfiting. He started laughing. " I'm only taking the piss out of ya, and I wasn't sure I was right until I saw the expression on your face just now. But I want to let you know that Steve took Bruce aside the minute he got here today and it looked like their talk was getting a little heated. I wouldn't think anything of it but I overheard your name mentioned."

That was interesting. "That's all you heard, just my name being mentioned?"

Dave nodded. "But the minute Steve mentioned you Bruce went into a rage. He didn't yell or anything , probably because we were all right there, but he was mad as hell. So I wanted to warn you to tread carefully. I don't know what Steve knows but I got a bad feeling about it all."

I was getting a bad feeling too. I hadn't talked to Bruce since we got there, there hadn't been a chance, but the first opportunity I got I intended to ask him about this. For the rest of the day I felt as though Steve was looking at me, and I didn't have an opening to talk to Bruce until we were leaving that evening. I lagged behind the others and waited for Bruce to emerge. as soon as he saw me he came over to me with a big smile.

"I missed you today!"

I laughed a little. "I was in the same room with you all day!"

"It's not the same as being in the same bed with me." He grinned and leaned to give me a quick kiss. I looked around nervously but there was no one else in the hall.

“Bruce, we have to be more careful, people could come by any second."

He grimaced. "We've had plenty of close calls in the past, you never used to be so nervous!"

 

We started walking toward the exit. " I heard Steve was talking to you about me this morning." I figured if I wanted to know what it was all about I only had to ask.

He fell silent for a minute, looking down. "Yeah," he said finally, his voice uncharacteristically serious. "I was hoping you didn't find out about that.'

"Bruce," I stopped walking and put my hand on his shoulder so he would stop too. "I don't need you to shelter me, okay. You've always tried to do that and I appreciate where it's coming from, but I don't need it."

He looked at me. "You're right. Come on, let's go for a beer and I'll tell you about it."

We went out to his car and as I was getting in I looked up and saw Steve emerging from the building. He looked up, saw me leaving with Bruce, and stopped dead in his tracks. I ignored him and ten minutes later Bruce and I were sitting over beers at a nearby pub.

"All right, now tell me what's going on." I took a sip and faced him across the booth.

"I don't know how, but Steve seems to know something about us. Since everyone else seemed to know already I shouldn't be too surprised. He came over to me this morning and said 'I hope you're not starting that nonsense again.' I had no idea what he was talking about and I told him so, then he makes a face like he's sucking a lemon and said 'you and Janick are going to destroy this band and I'm not going to let that happen'. It pissed me off and I told him to mind his own fucking business and walked away. He didn't try to bring it up again but I felt him looking at us all day, looking from me to you and back again."

I nodded. So it hadn't been my imagination when I felt like Steve was watching me. I sighed. "Goddamnit, Bruce, why do things have to be so fucking complicated?"

 

"They don't have to be. We're together and we're staying together. Steve can go get fucked."

"He can make our lives miserable." I pointed out.

Bruce shook his head emphatically. "We're not going to let him. I didn't want to worry you, mate. " He reached across the table and touched my hand briefly. The pub was rather crowded and he didn't dare attempt any further contact but I saw concern for me in his eyes. "Nothing or nobody is going to keep me away from you now that I have you again."

I couldn't help but smile. His words warmed my heart but even more moving was the intensity of his look. I couldn't quell the worry I felt, though. "You and Steve are getting along now. I don't want that to change. I know he wouldn't dare force you out of the band so soon after you're back but he can get rid of me. He doesn't need three guitarists and he has Adrian back now."

"Bullshit!" I was taken aback by the vehemence in Bruce's voice. "Steve always wanted three guitarists, he said that when Ade came back. If he says anything more to me I'll have to try to reason with him, but he's not going to do a damn thing to force us apart, Jan. I won't let him!"

I smiled. Bruce always had a way of reassuring me. I'd drained my beer by now and ordered another, feeling my concerns drain away. I hated conflict and always tried to maintain the peace but so far there was no conflict, just a few words from Steve. Bruce and I had never jeopardized the band before and we weren't going to do it now. I stretched out my leg under the table so that my calf came into contact with Bruce's and I saw the smile on his face when he felt me.

"No one's at my house right now, Brucie. Maybe you could come over for a while?"

He pressed against my leg. "That sounds like a very good idea!"

 

It wasn't always that easy. Most of the time we couldn't go to either house and had to make to with stolen kisses in the car or a quick hand job in the restroom someplace. Although Steve hadn't said anything more I always felt as though he was watching us. He acted normally and spoke to us the same as he ever did so I tried to tell myself I was imagining it.

I was thankful when the time came for us to go to the recording studios in Paris. We would be free of the responsibilities of wives, girlfriends, and families there. We took a regular commercial flight since it was a short flight and Bruce sat next to me in first class. I was teasing him because I knew he was itching to be in the cockpit and he didn't deny it. The other band members and various others in our entourage were seated around us and Bruce had to lower his voice when he said there was more than one cockpit he was interested in.

I laughed, but as usual his mere mention of sex quickened my blood. I gazed over at him, not bothering to disguise either my adoration or my randiness. He met my gaze, he knew what I was thinking about and he grinned his cocky grin. We hadn't had a chance to actually shag for a couple of weeks and hurried gropings hadn't satisfied either of us. We could be together once we arrived at our hotel but our takeoff had been delayed by some technical issues at Gatwick and I had been sneaking glances and touches the whole time. I was unashamedly horny and I had an idea.

"I'm going to the restroom, Bruce. D'you think maybe you could follow in a couple of minutes?"

I saw his eyes light up with interest. We had joined the mile high club years before when I first joined Maiden but only one time. 

"You don't want to wait until we get there and can be in a nice soft bed?"

I shook my head, smiling. "Nope, I don't want to wait!"

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Chapter Nine

Bruce's POV:

I was already bursting in my jeans as I watched Jan saunter casually up the aisle and disappear into the restroom. That sexy arse of his got me going every time. Knowing he wanted this so badly he couldn't even wait a few hours practically made me moan out loud. I glanced at the others. Nicko had already dozed off, Ade and Dave were digging out a deck of cards to play some Rummy, and Steve was sitting with his family way to the front, seemingly engrossed in something his daughter was saying. I waited impatiently a few more minutes then made my way to the restroom, tapping lightly on the door.

Jan unlocked it immediately and I barely had time to close it behind me before he was all over me. I drank in his kisses, I could never get enough of them, and his hands were already under my shirt. I was wedged between him and the sink but I didn't care, I put my arms around him and cupped that gorgeous ass, pulling him tight against my hard-on and grinding against him. He sat on the toilet seat and worked at my zipper, sighing with satisfaction when I was free and immediately closing his mouth around me. I wanted to cry out at how good it felt but I knew we had to be quiet.

Jan looked up at me, his eyes slate gray and filled with arousal, his mouth still around me, and I let my fingers slip through his hair. He was letting the curls in his hair relax these days but the hair was thick and silky and I could smell the distinctive scent of his shampoo. I let my head loll back and closed my eyes, letting my senses take over and feeling every movement Joan's lips and tongue made on me. I could tell he was considerably worked up from the zeal he was putting into it and I had to force myself to stop him.

"Wait, wait..." I was almost gasping, I had been mere seconds from orgasm. "Stand up, switch places with me."

He did so without argument and after kissing him thoroughly I undid his jeans and turned him around so he was leaning forward on the sink. Working his tight jeans down his hips was like foreplay, every inch of creamy white skin that I exposed teasing me and heightening my anticipation. He helped me, eager for what was to come, kicking off his shoe and stepping out of one pant leg. I had to pause for a few seconds to admire the perfect mounds of his ass, running my hands across them while he wriggled, whispering for me to hurry. 

Jan didn't have to move far in the confined space to make contact with my hardness and I couldn't take it any more, I used a little liquid hand soap to ease the way and I sank into him. He was struggling to keep quiet and let a low moan sound when I started to move so I took one hand and put it lightly over his mouth, the other hand on his hip to guide my movements. He immediately started licking and sucking on my fingers and the feeling was so sensual I knew I wasn't going to last, I'd been needing this for weeks and he was so hot and tight around me. I moved my hand, now wet with saliva, from his mouth down to wrap around him and he gasped. We finished less than a minute later, both trying to be quiet while our bodies were seized in intense orgasms

I released my hold on Jan after a moment but he stayed slumped forward over the sink, his breathing still fast. Wetting a paper towel I cleaned us both up as best I could and tucked myself back in my pants, leaning over Jan's shoulder to kiss him. 

"We've got to get back to our seats, love. Don't worry, there will be plenty of time for more of this tonight!"

He nodded and straightened slowly, his expression dazed. I left the restroom first while he was still re-dressing, not looking right or left as I made my way back to my seat although I had the uneasy sensation of being watched. Jan rejoined me a couple minutes later, still looking well-fucked to my eyes, and I saw Steve watching him so I knew he had been watching me as well. Well, fuck it and fuck him! Thankfully Jan was unaware of the scrutiny and I didn't mention it.

There was the usual flurry of activity as soon as we landed. There was always some media present at airports whenever we travelled as a group and somehow a few fans always seemed to turn up as well. We didn't mind, it was part of the game and we all genuinely enjoyed interacting with fans but it took some time to get to the hotel we would be staying in for the next few weeks. Each of us were given a small suite of our own but after Jan dropped his bags off at his room to keep up appearances I knew he would come to mine. I fact I was waiting nd when a knock sounded I flung the door open, ready to pull him in and drag him to the bed. The hurried encounter earlier had just whetted my appetite. But rather than Jan, I opened the door to find Steve.

"Oh! Hey, Harry." I greeted him, trying to cover my surprise. "What's up?" It wasn't like him to seek us out individually when he had his family with him as he did now, he generally spent most of his off time with them.

"Can I see ye fer a minnit, Bruce?"

"Sure." I opened the door wider, taking a quick look down the hall for Jan but he hadn't emerged yet.

Steve came in and just stood near the door. He didn't waste time on preliminaries. "I know what you and Jan were doing on the plane, Bruce. And if I could figure it out, everyone else could too."

I was surprised he had noticed, frankly, but I merely shrugged. "Our own people were the only passengers in that section." I pointed out, neither admitting or denying that his conclusion had been spot on.

"So bloody what? Do you think I want everyone who works for us to know what you two are up to?!" I knew the signs, Steve was in one of his moods. He could be as stubborn as they come and I could too, this was the main reason we'd had such differences in the past. I took a deep breath, trying to quell my rising temper. I had my fill of arguing with Steve years ago and had no desire to go back into that rut, it would get us nowhere and ultimately be detrimental to band morale.

"I don't know what you think, Steve, but you don't know what you're talking about." I said. It was the wrong thing to say.

"The bloody hell I don't! You followed him into the loo! You two were in there together for ten minutes then he followed you out looking very well shagged!"

I was already tired of trying to placate him. "That's because he was!" I said before thinking. "If someone else noticed, you would have heard of it by now. You're worrying over nothing. What Jan and I do in private is our business!"

"Not if it affects the band!"

"And has it affected the band? No! So butt out! If you think either of us are going to do anything to jeopardize Maiden, then you're underestimating us both and it's starting to piss me off!"

Steve remembered only too well how I get when I'm angry and ultimately he couldn't afford to lose either me or Jan. He was visibly trying to reign in his own temper. "Just watch it, all right! I don't want Maiden to be known as a band of queers!" With that, he turned on his heel and left my room.

It took every but of restraint I had not to grab his arm and whirl him around to put my fist in his face, and ten years ago I would have done it without a second thought. Instead I let him leave, then I turned and kicked my suitcase across the room, hurting my toe and not giving a damn. I was still livid five minutes later when I heard Jan's distinctive quiet tap on the door. 

"Hey." He greeted me when I let him in, then he took a good look at me. "What happened,Bruce?" 

He knew me too well, he could tell at a glance I was angry as hell. "Nothing, nothing." I turned and went to the mini bar to get us each a beer from the mini fridge beneath it.

"Nothing, bullshit!" Jan wasn't letting it go, and I should have known he wouldn't. I sat on the edge of the bed to take off my shoes and he sat down next to me. "You look like you're going to throw something through the wall. Now tell me what's wrong. Remember, I told you not to try to shelter me."

I sighed. He had asked me to stop doing that and besides, he deserved to know. I told him about Steve's visit.

"Oh, shit!" He sighed. "It was stupid of me to fool around with you on the plane, I should have known better!"

"Hey, don't forget I was a willing participant. More than willing!" I grinned at him. He always had a way of calming me merely with his presence. "And I'm sure Steve's the only one who noticed. He's just trying to throw his weight around but there's really nothing he can do. We just have to be a little more careful, is all. Though," I turned to face him and let my free hand wander up his leg, "there is a little thrill in knowing we could get caught!"

Jan laughed, scooting closer after putting his half-empty beer on the nightstand. "We have almost gotten caught a few times, especially when you used to grab me right after we got offstage and drag me into the closest empty room."

"I couldn't help it! I'd be watching your sexy ass for two hours and always had a raging boner by the time the show was over. You knew it too, don't act like you weren't doing it on purpose!! You used to catch me watching and you would start humping the speaker cabinets or shaking your ass across the stage!" I finished my beer and dropped the bottle to the carpet to grab Jan and pull him close to me. "And I can't wait to get onstage so you can tease me like that again!" Just thinking about it was getting me turned on and I pulled Jan into a rough, deep kiss, crushing my lips to his. 

I was still on an adrenaline rush from my encounter with Steve and I was being a little aggressive but Jan didn't mind, in fact it seemed to turn him on more when I was forceful with him. He knew I'd never purposely hurt him so he only looked at me with lust-darkened eyes when I seized his wrists and pinned them above his head, attacking his neck and chest with bites and rough, wet kisses. My mood was contagious because he was already moaning loudly, muttering disjointed urgings for me to continue as he thrashed beneath me, his movements only fueling my need. 

Even in the throes of passion he moved sensuously, lifting his hips to rub himself against me. We were both nude now, though I couldn't clearly remember how or when we got that way, and I flipped him over, none too gently, taking him from behind again as I had on the plane only this time we could be as loud as we pleased. I wanted to make it last longer, I didn't want it to end, but seeing Jan squirming beneath me, hearing the sounds he was making and feeling the heat of him around me sent me over the edge so suddenly and unexpectedly I let out an incoherent shout and closed me eyes, still seeing fireworks behind my eyelids as I blindly groped for him to finish him. At my first touch he erupted, thrusting wildly into my fist, then I rolled off him, cradling his limp body close. 

The next morning I realized that Steve's room was right next to ours. Thank God his kid's room was on the other side of his.

 

Chapter Ten

Janick's POV:

The recording process went smoothly. We were all excited by our first album With Bruce after his long absence and threw ourselves into it completely. Cars were sent for us each morning and we were ready on time, coming downstairs together to meet the others in the hotel lobby. Bruce and I both knew that we weren't doing anything to endanger the band in spite of what Steve might think. We had never acted impudently around others and we weren't going to act any differently now. Steve was a total professional. No matter what his feelings were about Bruce and I, he never let it interfere with any aspect of the band and he treated us with respect throughout the sessions. I did sense him looking at us when we spent our breaks or any downtime in each other's company but as the other band members were there as well he had no cause to complain. After that first night we moved our amorous activities to my room on the opposite side of the hall and I was elated that Bruce spent every night with me. 

At times Bruce had to take care of some detail involving his outside projects and had to spend the evening on the phone and this was when Davey and I would go out for a drink. We had been in Paris for two weeks before Davey broached the subject of Bruce.

"You're not around much in the evenings these days." He observed over his beer one evening when it was just him and I at a nearby Irish pub. 

I felt a bit contrite. "Yeah, I know. We've been out together a few times, though." I reminded him.

He nodded, sipping his beer. "I'm not complaining, I'm just glad things are going alright for you."

"You sound almost surprised that they are!" I teased.

He didn't return my smile. "Yeah, I suppose I am. Don't get my wrong, I love Bruce, he's one of my best mates. But you know he can get a little self centered at times."

My first instinct was to defend Bruce but I knew he didn't mean anything negative. And I had to admit that he was right - there were times Bruce got too wrapped up in everything he had going on, like now. I was greedy, I knew, but I wanted to be with him every minute I could and this wouldn't be possible after we finished this album and went back to England and there had been several evenings just like this one when we weren't able to hang out. We'd be together later, I knew, but even then Bruce was sometimes distracted. It bothered me and I knew Davey realized this. I didn't directly reply to his comment but I stayed out with him perhaps a bit later than I usually did. Even so Bruce was still on the phone when I peeked into his room so I went back to my own room, falling asleep waiting for him to be awakened later by him slipping into my bed and waking me with a kiss.

As our time in Paris drew to a close, though, Bruce began to not come to my room at all. He told me he'd been up so late he didn't want to wake me so stayed in his own room. I didn't say anything but I didn't like it. He knew, or he should have known, that I didn't mind him waking me no matter how late it was. Other than that, though, everything was going well so I thought little of it at first. I mentioned it to him, trying to disguise how it was bothering me, but he always made some excuse. I didn't question it, God knows he had enough side projects to keep him occupied forty eight hours a day, and things were the same for us aside from the decline in our sex life. By the day we left Paris, however, it had been over a week since Bruce and I had spent the night together. Then I learned that he was flying back to London separately, flying a small plane on his own. He needed the practice in that particular type of plane, he told me. He told me that the night before we left France, then he went back to his room saying he was expecting a call from his wife. 

I waited for him. I thought he's surely be back, this was our last night in Paris. Once we were back home we would only be able to snatch a few stolen moments together whenever we could, and it probably wouldn't be often. I thought he would want to make the most of our time together while we could, but I waited and waited and he didn't come back. I knew I could go to his room, but I was reluctant to. In the back of my mind I was afraid to, I was afraid I'd be rejected if I did and I didn't want to leave myself open to that kind of hurt again. But this kind of hurt wasn't much better, this uncertainty. It wasn't that he was being cold to me, he'd been as affectionate as ever when we were with others. He sat with me, talked and laughed with me, but that was as far as it went. I told myself it was my imagination, but it seemed that he deliberately avoided being alone with me for any length of time. And now, on this last night we had together, he never returned to my room.

I went downstairs the next morning to catch the ride to the airport with the others and I must have looked as down as I felt. I caught Steve giving me an odd look and as we waited for the car Dave took me aside.

"Hey, mate, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I lied. "Why?"

"Because you look like shit." Dave said frankly. "You look like you didn't sleep a wink. And I don't see Bruce here - did you wear him out last night?"

I fought down the stab of pain I felt. "He left earlier, I think. He's flying back home himself."

"Oh!" Dave looked stunned. "I'm....um, I'm sorry." I think he realized he'd rubbed salt into a wound. "Er, Jan? Did you two have a fight or something."

"No. Why do you ask?" 

He looked uncomfortable and I didn't think he would pursue it but he was concerned. "I don't know."  
He seemed to be searching for the right way to express himself. "I just sensed something different with you for the past week or so. I'm sorry, it's none of my business." He looked embarrassed.

"No, mate, it's all right. I didn't mean to snap at you." I hurried to set him at ease. "But we didn't have a fight. There's something up with Bruce but I don't know what it is." We were standing apart from the others and no one could overhear but I spoke quietly anyway, partly because I was afraid my voice would betray how hurt I felt. "I wonder if maybe he regrets starting things up with me again."

Davey's blue eyes widened. "Did he say that?"

"No, no, he hasn't said anything at all, that's the problem. We haven't been alone together for more than a few minutes in over a week."

"Really?" Davey looked surprised. "I thought, you know, that you guys were....well, staying in the same room."

I laughed a little at how carefully he phrased that. "Well, we kinda were, but then he stopped coming by." I sighed. "I should have listened to you, I guess. Bruce can be a selfish bastard sometimes and I conveniently forgot that.'

Davey's eyes softened. "You forgot it because of how much you care for him. But if he hasn't said otherwise I imagine it's like he said - he's just been busy."

"Yeah, yeah I expect you're right." I said, but I couldn't rid myself of the little knot of worry in my gut.

Things settled into a kind of a routine the first few days after I got home. My girlfriend and our daughter came down from up north and I lost myself in spending time with my little girl. She's so bright and beautiful, she brought sunshine into what were otherwise dark worrisome days for me. Because Bruce didn't call. He didn't contact me at all, though I jumped every time the phone rang or someone came to the door, expecting it to be him. I remembered our conversation about how I hadn't attempted to contact him during the time we'd grown apart and i knew I should just swallow my pride and walk over to his house. But the same thing held me back that had held me back before. I was afraid he would say or do something to make it clear that we were over, and I couldn't face that. 

 

After everyone went to bed at night I started staying up, sitting with my guitar and a beer. I had a room at the back of the house soundproofed and I could turn up the amp, losing myself in the music and blotting out the uncertainty and sadness that was growing more and more every day. The album would be released in two months and we were already making preparations for a massive tour. I didn't know what I would do if had to work with Bruce day in and day out if he no longer wanted me. It was still two months away, I told myself. Maybe Bruce is just caught up in so many other things he hasn't found time to get in touch. I pushed aside the knowledge that no matter how busy he was he could spare a few minutes to at least call me. I pushed aside the obvious conclusion that he didn't contact me simply because he didn't want to.

 

Chapter Eleven

 

Bruce's POV:

 

I felt like a stalker, lurking around outside Janick's house in the wee hours of the morning, but I hadn't been able to sleep. I hadn't slept much for the past couple of weeks, not since a week before we left Paris. I was miserable, absolutely miserable. At least a dozen times a day I reached for the phone to call Jan, then I stopped myself. I had to force myself to put the receiver down before dialing the familiar number, but I didn't have the willpower to keep from walking to his house. I longed for just a glimpse of him, even though I knew it would tear me apart. Of course I never saw him, not in the dead of the night, though the lights were on at the back of the house most nights. 

There was an unfamiliar car in his drive that I suspected belonged to his girlfriend. It was for her sake I was doing this, I reminded myself. Her sake and the little girl's as well as Jan's. So I stood beneath a tree across from his house almost every night, torturing myself knowing I couldn't go over and knock on the outside door to the soundproofed room he used for a studio. And while the cool night air and fog chilled me I would go back in my mind to the day Steve came to my room for the second time in Paris. Going back over it, rethinking it, doubting and second-guessing myself and often even cursing myself for not out-and-out calling Steve's bluff, though I knew that for Jan's sake I could never do that.

It had been one of the nights when Jan had gone to the pub with Davey and I'd stayed in my room to wrap up some calls about a movie script I'd been trying to write. Steve knocked when I was still on the phone so I motioned him in to wait while I wrapped up the call. He sat on the sofa and was watching me with burning eyes when I hung up and turned to address him.

"Okay, what's up?" I didn't suspect anything, he seemed to have moved past his earlier objections to me and Jan over the past few weeks. At least he hadn't made any further reference to it. "We 'ave te talk, Bruce." he said without preliminaries. "This can't go on."

"What can't?" I was baffled.

"You an' Jan, that's what!" He let his anger and disgust come through in his voice now. "I've been watchin' ye. I can hear ye at night."

"That's bullshit!" I interrupted him. "We've been in Jan's room, you can't possibly hear anything."

"I did the first night we were here and that was enough! Christ, I don't fink I'll ever un-hear it! and it's got to stop."

I felt my temper rising and I realized I'd clenched my fist.

"What would yer wife fink if she knew 'ow you two were carrying on!" Steve shook his head.

I relaxed a little. "Don't worry yourself over that, Harry. Paddy knows all about Jan and I."

"Oh does she? Maybe I should give her a call and check on that."

"Better yet, why don't I call her and have her talk to you?" I snatched up the phone and started punching in the number to my house. 

"All right, all right," Steve held up a hand. "No need te do that, I believe ye. Only....," He looked me straight in the eye, "I wonder 'ow much Jan's girlfriend knows?"

I froze, though I tried to disguise it from Steve. The truth is, I didn't know how much Jan had told her or if he had told her anything at all.

"She probably knows everything." I said, and my voice sounded hollow to my own ears. I knew Steve saw right through my bluff.

"Yeah, well I don't think she knows a fing." Steve stood then and walked to the door. "Be a shame if she found out, wouldn't it?" And he left, closing the door firmly behind him. I started after him in disbelief. That had been a threat, pure and simple. My first instinct had been to tell Jan, to warn him. But I didn't know which pub he and Davey had gone to so I had to wait for him to get back. And as I waited my temper cooled and I gave the whole matter some serious thought. Jan's girlfriend was an ordinary northern girl - how would she react to the news that the father of her child had been having an affair with another man for the past twenty years? I knew there was a very real potential of her not only leaving Jan but of her taking the little girl with her, refusing to allow Jan any more contact with her. He doted on that little girl, she was the light of his life!

I remembered how I had wrestled with the situation. I was furious beyond belief with Steve but even if I sought him out and beat the fuck out of him, it wouldn't solve anything. In fact, it would only make matters worse. I'd be out of the band for certain, probably be arrested for assault, and Steve would still go ahead with his threat to out Jan and I. Every evil thought I'd ever had about Steve paled in comparison to this, this was beyond the pale. Yet he said it - I couldn't think of any other way to interpret his words except as a threat. Either I stop sleeping with Jan or Jan would potentially lose his family. I had no choice. I loved Jan too much; I couldn't have him go through that. I wouldn't be the cause of fucking up his life that way. So I stopped my visits to his room. I even avoided flying home with him, thinking he might suggest another mile-high encounter and I'd be too weak to resist. 

And now that we were home, I didn't call Jan. I was a bit surprised he didn't call me, but he hadn't so far. My days were full, I had at least a half dozen things going on simultaneously, but at night I couldn't get him out of my mind. My wife knew I wasn't seeing him and she knew I was troubled, but she didn't know why and, to her credit, she didn't ask. This was one of the reasons I married her - she knew when to step back and leave me to myself. Now, standing across from Jan's house, tears blurring my eyes, an ache I didn't think I'd ever get over inside me, I wracked my brain for the thousandth time. Was I doing the right thing? I tried to convince myself that Jan would get over me, but I knew he would never get over losing his baby girl. And for the thousandth time I wondered if I was being over-dramatic. Was it realistic to believe he could lose his daughter over this? I didn't know - I didn't know Jan's girlfriend, I had no idea how she might react if Steve followed through on his threat. But the risk was too great, I couldn't afford to take it.

I didn't walk to Jan's house every night, of course. Sometimes one of my outside projects called me out of town, sometimes I actually did fall asleep and sleep through the night, though my sleep was usually plagued with dreams of Jan. We had been reunited for only a matter of weeks, a few short weeks of knowing the joy of having him in my arms and in my bed, of smelling his hair and tasting his skin, of hearing that soft laughter and the unbridled moans of our lovemaking. I had dared to think we could be together indefinitely and I know Jan did too. But life is never that easy. We had chosen to block out all the obstacles in our path, all the outside obligations and the ever present need to keep the truth from everyone outside our own trusted circle. Unfortunately, it turned out, even those within our circle had proven untrustworthy.

I hadn't heard from Steve since that evening in my room, and it's lucky for him that I hadn't. I was both hurt and outraged by his behavior. I had genuinely believed we were friends, we had been working so well together since my return to the band. I knew he was no prude and I had never suspected he was a homophobe before this. Now I felt that either I had never known him at all or something had drastically changed him while I was out of the band. There had been something odd in his voice and his expression every time he's confronted me about Jan. It was as though he was hiding something deeper behind his anger, but I couldn't fathom what it could be and I was too upset to think clearly about it.

 

The time was approaching when we would have to get together to rehearse for the tour. We had several media events when the album was released and I couldn't even bear to look at Jan By this time it had been almost two months since I'd last spoken to him before we left Paris. I wasn't surprised when he stayed close to Davey and Ade during these events but when I did chance to look his way he would hurriedly look away. It didn't escape my notice that he looked tired and downcast and the guilt I felt was tearing me apart. He left these events immediately as soon as they were over, usually with Davey, and meanwhile I had to share the spotlight with Steve, since we were the two most recognized members of Maiden. I was tense and snappish, short with both reporters and with band members both, and once or twice I felt Nicko looking at me speculatively, though he didn't approach me. I was glad. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. My wife had even taken the boys to visit her family to get away from my moping about so I felt completely alone. It suited my mood.

Two weeks before the first date of the tour we all met at the same rehearsal studio in London we'd used before, and I'd spent the night in dread, not knowing how I was going to handle being so close to Jan. I showed up late, unshaven and grumpy. Steve looked up when I walked in and I expected him to chastise me for being late but instead of looking angry he looked....guilty? Surely I misread his expression, my dark mood must be making me imagine things. He didn't meet my eye but I felt other eyes upon me and I looked up. Jan turned away quickly but Davey was looking straight at me and I had never seen him look as angry as he looked right then. He stared at me like he was boring holes in me and this time it was me who looked away, nonplussed. There were so many undercurrents in the room I felt I was among strangers rather than my oldest friends.

The morning passed with no lessening of tension and very little work got done. The guitarists played their instruments but there was no spark, and Jan's face was devoid of the joy that had always transformed him when he would play. Dave seemed withdrawn so it was up to Nicko and Ade to carry on. My biggest surprise, however, was Steve. He, too, seemed listless and melancholy, strumming his bass without his characteristic zeal. He called a halt to rehearsals by mid afternoon, saying we would try it again the next day. I was eager to get out of there but as I headed for the door, Steve spoke up.

"Bruce, could I talk te ye? You too, Janick." Jan had been putting his Strat in it's case and he visibly froze, looking up slowly.

"I should go home..." he began.

"It'll only take a minnit." Steve said, then he added."Please."

Something in his voice and in his manner made me stay though I told myself I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. Steve waited until the others left, they hadn't heard his quiet request but Davey looked back over his shoulder as he left with curiosity. Finally there was just the three of us in the room, but no one spoke for a minute. Then Steve took a deep breath.

"Janick, Bruce, I.....I owe you both an apology."

We both stared at him incredulously. Janick, especially, since he had no clue what this was about. Steve's eyes flicked from one of us to the other, then he looked down. "C'mon, sit down. I've got some explaining to do."

I felt Jan's eyes briefly cut in my direction and we followed Harry to one of the couches that lined the walls. Jan and I sat on the couch, a careful distance maintained between us, and Steve plopped cross-legged on the floor in front of us. He seemed to be struggling to speak, but when he finally did I don't think either of us was prepared for what he said.

"About a year ago," he began haltingly, "a guy named Jay Sandford called me out of nowhere. 'e was a writer for some minor American music magazine I never 'eard of and I demanded to know 'ow he got my number. Then 'e said that isn't all 'e 'ad." Steve had been looking at his hands clasped in his lap, but now he raised his eyes to ours and they were surprisingly soft and sad. " 'e said 'e had videotape of you two taken back in '92 fucking each other. 'e said he suspected somefing and planted a camera in Bruce's 'otel room and that 'e'd release it to the media if I didn't pay 'im off. So..." Steve sighed and tiredly ran his hand through his hair and down across his eyes, "I paid him off. I didn't fink I'd ever 'ear of it again. Then Bruce came back to the band and this arse'ole came back out of the woodwork, demanding more money."

I was stunned and without thinking, I looked over at Jan. He met my eyes and I could see he was as astounded as I was. We both looked back at Steve, who hung his head again. "I should 'ave gone to the cops, I know. But I didn't wanna take a chance on letting anyone, even the cops, know about you two. Then last week I was talkin wif a guy who works with Dio, and he mentioned this Sandford arse'ole. Said the guy tried to blackmail Ronnie, too, and Ronnie called his lawyer. Two days ago, Sandford was arrested. And 'eres the real ironic thing - he didn't have nuffin! Not on Maiden, not on Dio - nuffin! He must have suspected somefing with you two, but he 'ad no evidence!"

Steve fell silent then, then he looked up at me, then at Jan. "I tried to split you two up because I was afraid. And I'm sorry."

After a few more seconds, Jan spoke up. "Harry, what do you mean you tried to split us up?"

Steve flushed and looked ashamed. "I....I told Bruce that if 'e didn't stop messing around wif you, I'd tell your girlfriend. I wouldn't, I'm not a monster, but I was so afraid of anyfing negative coming out about Maiden I threatened to. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I...." he looked beseechingly at us, "I know you two care fer each udder, I know that you care a lot. I saw 'how much today. Yer both miserable, it's even worse than it was when Bruce left the band because now you two 'ave to work together and you didn't fink you could be together. Bloody 'ell, you can't work at all wifout each udder! Well," Steve's voice became firm and he laid a hand on each of our knees, "as far as I'm concerned, I don't care what you two in private. And I....I 'ope you can both forgive me."

Before we could recover our senses, Steve quickly stood and left the room.

 

Chapter Twelve

Janick's POV

My mind was spinning after hearing what Steve revealed. That explained so much! I felt an unexpected rush of love for Bruce - he had been trying to protect my family from pain and humiliation! He believed he was doing the right thing, and he'd done it for my sake. I looked over at him. He sat with his head bowed looking down at his hands, and I could see he was twirling the ring I'd given him so many years ago on his finger. 

"Bruce?" I spoke tentatively, not really sure what was going through his mind right then. He looked up and when he met my eyes I was struck with how sad and downhearted he looked.

"I cocked up again, didn't I?" he said, his voice low. "I shut you out again. You'll never be able to forgive me a second time."

"Forgive you for what? For trying to save my family, for protecting my girlfriend and my daughter? There's nothing to forgive! You did the only thing you thought you could do!"

He looked startled, then disbelieving. "I turned my back on you! I know I should have just told you what Steve was threatening to do but I thought that if I did you would do something rash, like maybe tell your girlfriend about us."

"Bruce," I almost laughed, "I have told her! And while she's not exactly thrilled, she's dealing with it. She said she'd always suspected it anyway so it didn't surprise her." I reached out and laid my hand lightly over Bruce's. " I should be asking if you can forgive me. Just like last time, I didn't go to you and demand to know what was going on. I was too scared that if I did I'd find out you didn't want me anymore."

"Ah, Jan" Bruce put his other hand over mine and squeezed. "When are you going to realize I'll always want you! Always!" His eyes were intense, searching into mine. "I love you, Jan! Staying away from you these past few weeks has probably been the hardest thing I've ever done. I've missed you so much it's been killing me!"

I felt tears prick at my eyes and my voice was close to breaking. "I love you too, Brucie, and it's been killing me too! So....." I hesitated, almost afraid to finish my thought, "so are we okay now? I mean, are we, y'know, still together?"

"I want to be, I want that more than anything!" He scooted closer to me until our knees were touching, still holding my hand. I was still looking into his eyes, I felt like I was getting sucked into them and I liked it, it felt like returning home to something warm and comforting and safe.

"I want that too, Bruce. Only....," I felt my eyes tear up but there wasn't anything I could do to help it, "please, don't do this again! I can't take it."

He reached up them and laid his hand on my cheek. "I'll never do this to you again, I swear! I can't take it either."

He leaned in then and touched his lips to mine, so softly it was barely a touch but it said so much more than even the most passionate kisses ever could. I put my arm around him and pulled him closer, I needed so much more from him than that one soft kiss. I put my other arm around him now and drew him close. The kiss I gave him was filled with every bit of the longing, the anguish, and the heartbreak of the past two months and I knew he could feel it all, I could tell from his expression when I moved away. I didn't move back far, only a few inches. I couldn't find it in myself to be any further from him than that right then.

Bruce smiled a little, a hesitant and very sweet smile. "You're mine, Jan. You've been mine since we were barely out of our teens and you'll be mine until our dying day. And I want you, I want you right now!"

I didn't answer in words, I just moved in for another kiss. The kisses were almost frantic now, fervent and filled with desire. The roller coaster of emotions I'd experienced over the past two months was manifesting itself now in a driving physical need to possess and be possessed by Bruce. I was swept up in an eagerness to be a part of him and I leaned back on the cushions of the couch, pulling Bruce down over me. He fastened his lips to my neck, nipping , licking, sucking my skin as one hand ran up my chest and down again, the other slipping behind me to clutch my ass and pull my hips into his. Even feeling him against me through the material of our jeans made me gasp, I was so primed for him, so ready to have him.

Bruce pulled back for just long enough to unfasten my pants and I lay back, trying to catch my breath. The feeling of the cooler air of the room on my erection as it was freed was exquisite and when Bruce lowered his head to my groin I unashamedly whined. I felt his breath on my overheated skin then I cried out as he took me in his mouth, completely engulfing me in one slow movement. I didn't think I could stand it and he seemed to know this, he stopped moving, simply holding me in the velvety heat of his mouth until I gained some semblance of control. When I moved my hips a bit he moaned against me, nearly sending me over the edge yet again, then he was moving on me. I couldn't comprehend everything he was doing, it seemed his tongue and his lips were everywhere at once.

"Stop! Stop, Brucie, I'm going to...."

"Mmm," he sighed and reluctantly released me. "So what? he gasped, "I want you to, I want to make you feel good!"

"No, I want..." I stopped because he was trailing his tongue down my length, "I want you in me! Please, Bruce! I need you!" I knew I sounded desperate but at that moment I didn't care, I was desperate for him.

He made a small, high pitched sound that was the sexiest thing I've ever heard and quickly removed his pants, even tossing his shirt off. I followed suit, I wanted to feel every inch of his skin against me, and I put my hands on his back, pulling him down over me again. He obliged, kissing me deeply, repeatedly, and I felt him hot and hard against me. I opened my legs, letting him settle between them. I felt his hardness teasing against me and I moved against it.

"We don't have anything...." Bruce began.

"I don't care! Just do it, Bruce, just make love to me!" I was still moving, writhing against him, and with a gasp I felt him enter me. It didn't hurt, even without any lubrication, I wanted him so badly all I could feel was desire. I looked up at him, looking straight into those bright chocolate eyes, seeing nothing but love and desire there, and I grabbed his arse, pulling him deeper. He made tortured sound and began to move then, the strokes long and slow and complete. I knew I was being loud, crying out as I met each thrust, but I was past caring, I was almost past thinking by this time. The friction of our bodies was driving me to the point of no return and I was suddenly climaxing with no warning, raising my hips and digging my fingers into the muscles of Bruce's ass cheeks.

I tried to maintain eye contact even through the explosive waves that I was caught up in but my vision blurred and went black for a second, all I could see was white hot flashes. When I could focus again I saw Bruce's own eyes dilated, darkened and intense, then with a sharp cry he shuddered and came, his body wracked with spasms that took forever to subside. Even when he was finished, though, he didn't move away. He leaned down and brushed a small, light kiss on my forehead then on each cheek, then a solid, deep kiss to my lips. 

"We're one, Jan. For life."

And this time I knew we were. Nothing would come between us again.

 

~~THE END~~


End file.
